Joy

It has been way, way too long since I posted here.  I think I'll pick it back up and blow the dust off the cover.

So, I've been thinking about joy lately and the lack of it.  Which is where I have been living for a while - in the lack of joy.  But this past weekend I experienced joy.  I even have a picture of it....  LG (my niece) was playing with me and right before I took the picture, she threw her hands up and covered her eyes as if to say, "Don't take my picture, Auntie!".   You can see her smile in the corner of her mouth.   Because she is really a little extrovert and this was all a tease.

Photo-journal for July

Someone had a bad day at the airport - notice the little teal square behind the big plane?  Luggage!  I saw it fall off the cart as we were arriving at the gate.  The cart driver never looked back....

Made my way to an Irish Pub near Philly with the express purpose of eating wonderful food and listening to live music.  See the band??  No, we didn't either.  At least the food lived up to it's expectation.  

Bread pudding with NO raisins.  It was as good as it looks!

Airports afford me much amusement - the lady is blocking the way, but the entire concourse was lined with Boyscouts!  They must have filled an entire plane!!

I was so excited to come upon this Duck Crossing!  The boy was trying to herd them out of the road so that traffic could continue - it took him awhile since the ducks were not in a cooperative mood.  It was a very, very entertaining few minutes.  

A good friend and I snickered over this for a long time - great advertising!!

And finally this one - I literally stopped, turned around and went back for it.  Made me laugh!!

The weekend immortalized in pictures.

Baby Duckies swimming in a puddle - how amazing to be so little that a puddle is like a pond!

A silent command from Mama Duck had them all gathering around her, since I was making her uncomfortable with the impromptu photo shoot.

No protests, everyone Out!

I got to hold Kinsley a long time while he slept.  How nice that was, the weight and warmth of his little body!  

Sunday morning: pancakes, coffee and Tim Keller.  And getting to watch Kinsley's reactions to life, very fun. He's discovered Mom is 'Over There'....

...protesting his lot in life...

...and finally, grudging acceptance!  I like watching babies respond to life because they haven't developed the filters we adults have to keep others from seeing how we truly feel!  I completely understood how he felt!!!

To my delight, it rained a lot this weekend!  I loved this - the double silver columns dropping from the  dark cloud!

Small things

A night beetle tap, tap, tapping on the window, urgent to be let in

The music of the wind, dancing through the chimes in the back
The light green of new leaves seen against the dark of older ones
Purple pansies, sweet basil, pineapple sage, hot pink impatiens
The waitress who brings syrup with the biscuits because it's what you like

Living Right

Tonight I went to my friend's art show downtown - and I found a parking spot right in front of the gallery! So my other friend took a picture of my luck!!

Then we went to the grocery store and - look!  Once again a great parking space next to the door.    It was a great evening for parking!  

A Day in the Life of a Handicapped Traveler

I traveled from Jackson to California today - with three legs on my itinerary, no less.  And since I am still having a lot a problems with my ankle, I needed some help getting through the airports.  Especially as the small planes put us out on the tarmac and they wanted us to climb stairs to get into the airport.  In Atlanta I got off the plane and onto a cart.  Then he drove me out on the tarmac around the planes!  It was hilarious!

Once inside my wheelchair was put in a line of wheelchairs - all of us Handicappers waiting for someone to take us to our gate.  I was glad I had a two hour layover because it was not a quick process!  Here are my fellow HT's.

In Salt Lake City I walked myself to the next gate, but once in Long Beach I took advantage of the HT assistance.  And good thing, too!  So I give high marks to the organizations for taking care of the HT population.  They made it possible for me to travel in relative comfort versus lots-o-pain. 

It was also a good thing in that all the people who helped were really nice - no grumps in the lot. 

SO, overall, a positive thing.   But I'll be glad to get back to my non-handicapped traveling- I don't like be that dependent on others to do what I want to do.  

Hospital preachers

Sitting in the hospital again with my mother.  I've seen more pastors/preachers in the last two weeks than I have in the last six months.  It's nice to know that they are visiting sick people, I s'pose.  The one today had my mother saying that she hoped she'd made it on the 'straight and narrow' and was going to heaven.  Sigh.  I told her right in front of them that if she believed in Jesus as her savior that she was fine and she'd be in heaven.  That works had nothing to do with her salvation.  It was pretty amusing to me in a slightly frustrated way

The last one to visit had her saying that her faith in Christ was great!  This was after the topic of her death had come up again.  Hmmmm.....

Icky-ness

I've got the new job nerves going on.  I'm beginning to interact with the new guy I'm supposed to report to and I'm feeling a little anxious.  He's the one I know the least, so he's the one I have the least level of trust with working things out.  Sigh.  I'm sure it will be fine, but I'm feeling anxious about interpersonal work relations.

On another note, I bought plants for my flower beds today!  Ferns, elephant ear, begonias, impatiens, caladiums, a pansy hanging pot, sweet potato vine...  I am SO looking forward to setting them out and then enjoying the back yard.

New Chapter in my Life

I've made several big life decisions over the last five years and I just made another one. There's something about these kinds of decisions - especially when there is no right or wrong answer, just a choice.  And you know you aren't going to get a big neon sign from God saying - "YES. That's the choice I want you to make."  You just know that you'll have to live life with what you chose.

Today I'm filling out paperwork for the new job I start on April 1st.  It's almost more nerve-racking than making the choice.  I hope this is a good chapter for me.

A Brightened Day

I just connected with a stranger who made me want to be better.  It was a brief moment but one with impact.  I was leaving the hotel lounge after dinner, she was coming into the lounge.  She was short, I had to look down to meet her eyes.  She walked on the sides of her feet, her ankles parallel with the floor and she took up more than her share of the entry because her crutches were splayed far away from her body.  I saw her before she saw me because her back and head were bowed in the effort of walking.  And it was an effort - it was painful to see.

I stepped to the side, waiting for her to pass by, but she stopped when she saw me.  She looked up at me and I smiled at her.  "Nice pedicure!"  She said brightly.  I was a little startled, but pleased, so I gave her a big smile.  "Thank you!  I do love a good pedicure!"

"Uh-huh!" She agreed and I stepped past her because she wasn't moving anymore.  I doubt I'll see her again and that makes me a little sad, because that small connection with her brightened my day.  A woman of warmth and courage.

Day 2

So this diet stuff goes great until the end of the day.  THEN I could eat the legs off this table.  I've got to find something that helps with the hunger - snacks, different eating times - something.  

I am not generally a grumpy, irritable person - not generally.  But I am right now.  Really grumpy - like stay-out-of-my-way-grumpy. 

I want to do this.  I really do - until the end of the day.  And then I don't care.   This is going to be an interesting road I'm on.   Bleeck. 

Dieting...again

SO - I've committed to a diet again because I've been playing around with the idea of it in my head for the last few weeks.  And last week at the doctor's office they made me weigh and I've gained back all the weight I'd lost last year.  ICK.   So, here I am having committed myself to a diet again and having dropped a chunk of change on it.

Buyer's remorse.  I gotta get over that and do this thing.  Yikes.

I'm a bit rusty...

Blowing the dust off the cover of this is likely to send me into a coughing fit.  Also not sure if I should start blogging again since I don't feel particularly insightful in a meaningful way right now.

Daily Grind - taking one step forward and three steps back and no, it's not a dance.  Sometimes living is just getting through  one day at a time - one hour at a time.   I'm not feeling like hiding behind a mask these days.  And I'm not sure I won't just run people off if my face is showing.  But I'm sick to death of the mask.

Meeting Someone I Met Online

There must a lot of people who come through Canadian customs to visit people they have met and started up relationships with online. I crossed the red line around 10:00pm last night to be asked:

"Are you here visiting someone?"
"No, I'm here for business."
"You aren't meeting someone for the first time?"
"No, I'm here on business - see, the declaration card says business."
"What kind of work do you do?"
"I work with computer databases."
"Okay, go to the Immigration Office."

So, I went to the Immigration Office (not what I wanted to be doing at that time of night, I assure you).

"Hi. Are you here visiting someone?"
"No, I'm here on business."
"You aren't meeting someone?"
"Nope."
"If you meet someone here and decide to stay long-term, you have to apply for a Visa."
"I'm not meeting anyone, I'm here on business...."

Apparently single women traveling to Winnipeg, Canada have a sign on their forehead.

"Meeting someone I met online. I need to know what to do if I want to move in with him."

The Valley

Lord, high and Holy, Meek and Lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision
where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox
that they way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;
Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.

Running into a wall is no fun.

I was telling a story and said, "Oh my god!" at the end of it - and the next thing I heard was my favorite 4 year old boy saying... "You're not supposed to say that, Aunt Lee Lee!"

Sigh.

Calving glacier - what an exciting shot!!



Blue ICE - beautiful!




It was SO cold!!



I drank in the beauty.

I saw a lot of tail...

If a picture is worth a thousand words then here goes -The faces tell it all...

too long

What's uppermost in importance for me right now? LOTS of things - from the 'to-do' list I have running around in my brain (not to mention the pink post-its everywhere) to the idea that I am leaving for Alaska on Thursday, to how much work can I get done before I leave, to processing my church, to how many people can I cram into seeing over the next two days, to the aggravating congestion in my head... It's a mess - almost chaotic... But not in a bad way.

Fun things for me - I am looking forward to using my new camara lens on the trip - hopefully I'll have lots of opportunities to shoot good pictures. I am looking forward to teasing Chappy on this trip - or watching Linda tease him - almost as good.

Introspective things for me - I'm missing Communion on Sunday and I listened to a sermon from Tim K called The Supper which made me WANT to participate in it for the first time in a long time. I hate I'm going to miss it, because the opportunity comes around so seldom at my church. I really would like to celebrate remembering what Christ's sacrifice provided for me and relish my relationship with Him and God at that particular time and place.

Thankful things for me - Work is providing me with a great deal of positive re-enforcement about my value as a consultant. This is particularly gratifying given my recent risks and changes in my job, so I am very glad about it! Today another consultant offered to hire me to do some work on the side for his company. That was a HUGE compliment.

Desired things for me - Am beginning to WANT more things for myself than what I have (not material things - emotional, healthy things). Not sure how I'm going to respond to that, but planning to respond. I am glad to say that I don't look at them and think, "That will never happen for me." I am thinking instead, "Am I willing to do what I need to do to make it happen? Yes, I am." and then I have the certainty that change will occur. GOOD thing.


Okay, this is rambling enough, but it certainly is an apt reflection of my thought processes, so there you have it!!

Easter Morning

Easter morning I woke up early enough to savor a cup of good coffee and listen to a sermon by Tim Keller called 'I am He'. It was a wonderful morning! And because I had been fed spiritually that morning, I didn't get angry when I went to church and there was nothing in the sermon. There were glimmers of something, times when he was on the edge of having something wonderful to say, but... he...just...couldn't...get it out. Sigh. Still, I was happy to be there. It was made clear to me a number of people have missed me over the past three months - they may not have contacted me outside of church, but when I went back this past Sunday, many people came to me to tell me how much they missed me. I have put my church in a box and when they jump outside of the box, I'm surprised. I hate it when I do that, but I do it all the time.

Some of what Keller said was this:

If the christian religion is right, then it has to be a superior religion, because it is God himself who has come for you. If it's right, then it's superior. But if it's wrong, if it is the teaching of a megalomaniacal psycho, then you should despise it. If you have a mild response to Jesus Christ, then you have no intellectual integrity. If you hear what he said about himself and if you decide he is right, then you have to fall on your face and beg him to command you... or if you decide he's wrong, then you have to despise him. But if you have a mild response to Jesus Christ, you have no intellectual integrity and you don't know who he is.

"Woe is me, I am a man of unclean lips... I am come undone." Nobody can stand on their faces before God. Jesus gives them a glimpse of who he is and it is enough to knock a Roman legion on their faces. If you fall to the ground you are vulnerable. If you lose your footing, you've lost, the enemy is too great for you.

What is spirituality? God is a divine presence, God is a divine love, and if I'm spiritual then I'm in tune with that divine love.

Mysterium tremendum - when people actually got near the holy, the sacred, when they actually began to experience the reality of God -- it was traumatic. Getting close to God is traumatic. Nobody can stay on their feet in the presence of God. Why? Very simple. Our self image is based on performance. Everyone's self image is based on performance. Our identity is fragile, so when we get into the presence of superlativeness, it's traumatic. If you have to live or work with someone who is SO much better at your job than you, or someone who is SO much prettier than you, then our self image is shaken. Nobody can stand in the presence of God. Our culture has lost this idea. We can't even stand people who are so brilliant and so pretty without feeling mediocre.

If you are a secular person you should hope for judgement day, because then everything will be put right. But here's the problem if there is a judgement day, what hope is there for you and me? If the soldiers beforeJesus Christ, in the garden, who was veiling his Glory, couldn't keep their feet, how can we expect to stand before God?

Solution: Christ said: If you are looking for me, then let these men go... There were at least 200 soldiers that came and looked for Jesus. If you are arresting a dangerous insurrectionist, you certainly arrest their followers. But Christ said "let them go" which means, "forgive them". Take me... me for them... Let them go and take me...

The Cup - all thru the OT, the cup is a judgement day thing, it is justice and suffering and punishment for the ones who deserve it. Christ says, I will go to the scaffold for you. Jesus is the judge who was judged. Why? Because he loved all of you so much he didn't want to lose any of you. On judgement day you will be able to stand, because you believed in Him. He went to the cross and took our judgement day early. If you really believe this and you won't lose your footing on judgement day, then you won't lose your footing now. When you are criticized or when you are wronged, now... If you don't believe this, then you will lose your footing, you'll become hard, critical, bitter, maybe even evil. If you don't know if you believe this in your heart, if you think you believe it in your head, but not your heart, there is a comfort.

Look at Peter - after three years of hearing the gospel from Jesus, at a key moment Peter takes his sword and attacks. Christ goes over the gospel for him again... Father-Cup-Father... Christ shows unyielding love and no amount of pain will stop Jesus Christ from saving us, no amount of stupidity will stiop Jesus Christ from saving us, and no amount of daily failure will stop Jesus Christ from saving us.

Sorry for all the paraphrasing! That last part really was a comfort to me.