Small things

A night beetle tap, tap, tapping on the window, urgent to be let in

The music of the wind, dancing through the chimes in the back
The light green of new leaves seen against the dark of older ones
Purple pansies, sweet basil, pineapple sage, hot pink impatiens
The waitress who brings syrup with the biscuits because it's what you like

Living Right

Tonight I went to my friend's art show downtown - and I found a parking spot right in front of the gallery! So my other friend took a picture of my luck!!

Then we went to the grocery store and - look!  Once again a great parking space next to the door.    It was a great evening for parking!  

A Day in the Life of a Handicapped Traveler

I traveled from Jackson to California today - with three legs on my itinerary, no less.  And since I am still having a lot a problems with my ankle, I needed some help getting through the airports.  Especially as the small planes put us out on the tarmac and they wanted us to climb stairs to get into the airport.  In Atlanta I got off the plane and onto a cart.  Then he drove me out on the tarmac around the planes!  It was hilarious!

Once inside my wheelchair was put in a line of wheelchairs - all of us Handicappers waiting for someone to take us to our gate.  I was glad I had a two hour layover because it was not a quick process!  Here are my fellow HT's.

In Salt Lake City I walked myself to the next gate, but once in Long Beach I took advantage of the HT assistance.  And good thing, too!  So I give high marks to the organizations for taking care of the HT population.  They made it possible for me to travel in relative comfort versus lots-o-pain. 

It was also a good thing in that all the people who helped were really nice - no grumps in the lot. 

SO, overall, a positive thing.   But I'll be glad to get back to my non-handicapped traveling- I don't like be that dependent on others to do what I want to do.  

Hospital preachers

Sitting in the hospital again with my mother.  I've seen more pastors/preachers in the last two weeks than I have in the last six months.  It's nice to know that they are visiting sick people, I s'pose.  The one today had my mother saying that she hoped she'd made it on the 'straight and narrow' and was going to heaven.  Sigh.  I told her right in front of them that if she believed in Jesus as her savior that she was fine and she'd be in heaven.  That works had nothing to do with her salvation.  It was pretty amusing to me in a slightly frustrated way

The last one to visit had her saying that her faith in Christ was great!  This was after the topic of her death had come up again.  Hmmmm.....

Icky-ness

I've got the new job nerves going on.  I'm beginning to interact with the new guy I'm supposed to report to and I'm feeling a little anxious.  He's the one I know the least, so he's the one I have the least level of trust with working things out.  Sigh.  I'm sure it will be fine, but I'm feeling anxious about interpersonal work relations.

On another note, I bought plants for my flower beds today!  Ferns, elephant ear, begonias, impatiens, caladiums, a pansy hanging pot, sweet potato vine...  I am SO looking forward to setting them out and then enjoying the back yard.

New Chapter in my Life

I've made several big life decisions over the last five years and I just made another one. There's something about these kinds of decisions - especially when there is no right or wrong answer, just a choice.  And you know you aren't going to get a big neon sign from God saying - "YES. That's the choice I want you to make."  You just know that you'll have to live life with what you chose.

Today I'm filling out paperwork for the new job I start on April 1st.  It's almost more nerve-racking than making the choice.  I hope this is a good chapter for me.

A Brightened Day

I just connected with a stranger who made me want to be better.  It was a brief moment but one with impact.  I was leaving the hotel lounge after dinner, she was coming into the lounge.  She was short, I had to look down to meet her eyes.  She walked on the sides of her feet, her ankles parallel with the floor and she took up more than her share of the entry because her crutches were splayed far away from her body.  I saw her before she saw me because her back and head were bowed in the effort of walking.  And it was an effort - it was painful to see.

I stepped to the side, waiting for her to pass by, but she stopped when she saw me.  She looked up at me and I smiled at her.  "Nice pedicure!"  She said brightly.  I was a little startled, but pleased, so I gave her a big smile.  "Thank you!  I do love a good pedicure!"

"Uh-huh!" She agreed and I stepped past her because she wasn't moving anymore.  I doubt I'll see her again and that makes me a little sad, because that small connection with her brightened my day.  A woman of warmth and courage.

Day 2

So this diet stuff goes great until the end of the day.  THEN I could eat the legs off this table.  I've got to find something that helps with the hunger - snacks, different eating times - something.  

I am not generally a grumpy, irritable person - not generally.  But I am right now.  Really grumpy - like stay-out-of-my-way-grumpy. 

I want to do this.  I really do - until the end of the day.  And then I don't care.   This is going to be an interesting road I'm on.   Bleeck. 

Dieting...again

SO - I've committed to a diet again because I've been playing around with the idea of it in my head for the last few weeks.  And last week at the doctor's office they made me weigh and I've gained back all the weight I'd lost last year.  ICK.   So, here I am having committed myself to a diet again and having dropped a chunk of change on it.

Buyer's remorse.  I gotta get over that and do this thing.  Yikes.

I'm a bit rusty...

Blowing the dust off the cover of this is likely to send me into a coughing fit.  Also not sure if I should start blogging again since I don't feel particularly insightful in a meaningful way right now.

Daily Grind - taking one step forward and three steps back and no, it's not a dance.  Sometimes living is just getting through  one day at a time - one hour at a time.   I'm not feeling like hiding behind a mask these days.  And I'm not sure I won't just run people off if my face is showing.  But I'm sick to death of the mask.

Meeting Someone I Met Online

There must a lot of people who come through Canadian customs to visit people they have met and started up relationships with online. I crossed the red line around 10:00pm last night to be asked:

"Are you here visiting someone?"
"No, I'm here for business."
"You aren't meeting someone for the first time?"
"No, I'm here on business - see, the declaration card says business."
"What kind of work do you do?"
"I work with computer databases."
"Okay, go to the Immigration Office."

So, I went to the Immigration Office (not what I wanted to be doing at that time of night, I assure you).

"Hi. Are you here visiting someone?"
"No, I'm here on business."
"You aren't meeting someone?"
"Nope."
"If you meet someone here and decide to stay long-term, you have to apply for a Visa."
"I'm not meeting anyone, I'm here on business...."

Apparently single women traveling to Winnipeg, Canada have a sign on their forehead.

"Meeting someone I met online. I need to know what to do if I want to move in with him."

The Valley

Lord, high and Holy, Meek and Lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision
where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox
that they way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;
Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.

Running into a wall is no fun.

I was telling a story and said, "Oh my god!" at the end of it - and the next thing I heard was my favorite 4 year old boy saying... "You're not supposed to say that, Aunt Lee Lee!"

Sigh.

Calving glacier - what an exciting shot!!



Blue ICE - beautiful!




It was SO cold!!



I drank in the beauty.

I saw a lot of tail...

If a picture is worth a thousand words then here goes -The faces tell it all...

too long

What's uppermost in importance for me right now? LOTS of things - from the 'to-do' list I have running around in my brain (not to mention the pink post-its everywhere) to the idea that I am leaving for Alaska on Thursday, to how much work can I get done before I leave, to processing my church, to how many people can I cram into seeing over the next two days, to the aggravating congestion in my head... It's a mess - almost chaotic... But not in a bad way.

Fun things for me - I am looking forward to using my new camara lens on the trip - hopefully I'll have lots of opportunities to shoot good pictures. I am looking forward to teasing Chappy on this trip - or watching Linda tease him - almost as good.

Introspective things for me - I'm missing Communion on Sunday and I listened to a sermon from Tim K called The Supper which made me WANT to participate in it for the first time in a long time. I hate I'm going to miss it, because the opportunity comes around so seldom at my church. I really would like to celebrate remembering what Christ's sacrifice provided for me and relish my relationship with Him and God at that particular time and place.

Thankful things for me - Work is providing me with a great deal of positive re-enforcement about my value as a consultant. This is particularly gratifying given my recent risks and changes in my job, so I am very glad about it! Today another consultant offered to hire me to do some work on the side for his company. That was a HUGE compliment.

Desired things for me - Am beginning to WANT more things for myself than what I have (not material things - emotional, healthy things). Not sure how I'm going to respond to that, but planning to respond. I am glad to say that I don't look at them and think, "That will never happen for me." I am thinking instead, "Am I willing to do what I need to do to make it happen? Yes, I am." and then I have the certainty that change will occur. GOOD thing.


Okay, this is rambling enough, but it certainly is an apt reflection of my thought processes, so there you have it!!

Easter Morning

Easter morning I woke up early enough to savor a cup of good coffee and listen to a sermon by Tim Keller called 'I am He'. It was a wonderful morning! And because I had been fed spiritually that morning, I didn't get angry when I went to church and there was nothing in the sermon. There were glimmers of something, times when he was on the edge of having something wonderful to say, but... he...just...couldn't...get it out. Sigh. Still, I was happy to be there. It was made clear to me a number of people have missed me over the past three months - they may not have contacted me outside of church, but when I went back this past Sunday, many people came to me to tell me how much they missed me. I have put my church in a box and when they jump outside of the box, I'm surprised. I hate it when I do that, but I do it all the time.

Some of what Keller said was this:

If the christian religion is right, then it has to be a superior religion, because it is God himself who has come for you. If it's right, then it's superior. But if it's wrong, if it is the teaching of a megalomaniacal psycho, then you should despise it. If you have a mild response to Jesus Christ, then you have no intellectual integrity. If you hear what he said about himself and if you decide he is right, then you have to fall on your face and beg him to command you... or if you decide he's wrong, then you have to despise him. But if you have a mild response to Jesus Christ, you have no intellectual integrity and you don't know who he is.

"Woe is me, I am a man of unclean lips... I am come undone." Nobody can stand on their faces before God. Jesus gives them a glimpse of who he is and it is enough to knock a Roman legion on their faces. If you fall to the ground you are vulnerable. If you lose your footing, you've lost, the enemy is too great for you.

What is spirituality? God is a divine presence, God is a divine love, and if I'm spiritual then I'm in tune with that divine love.

Mysterium tremendum - when people actually got near the holy, the sacred, when they actually began to experience the reality of God -- it was traumatic. Getting close to God is traumatic. Nobody can stay on their feet in the presence of God. Why? Very simple. Our self image is based on performance. Everyone's self image is based on performance. Our identity is fragile, so when we get into the presence of superlativeness, it's traumatic. If you have to live or work with someone who is SO much better at your job than you, or someone who is SO much prettier than you, then our self image is shaken. Nobody can stand in the presence of God. Our culture has lost this idea. We can't even stand people who are so brilliant and so pretty without feeling mediocre.

If you are a secular person you should hope for judgement day, because then everything will be put right. But here's the problem if there is a judgement day, what hope is there for you and me? If the soldiers beforeJesus Christ, in the garden, who was veiling his Glory, couldn't keep their feet, how can we expect to stand before God?

Solution: Christ said: If you are looking for me, then let these men go... There were at least 200 soldiers that came and looked for Jesus. If you are arresting a dangerous insurrectionist, you certainly arrest their followers. But Christ said "let them go" which means, "forgive them". Take me... me for them... Let them go and take me...

The Cup - all thru the OT, the cup is a judgement day thing, it is justice and suffering and punishment for the ones who deserve it. Christ says, I will go to the scaffold for you. Jesus is the judge who was judged. Why? Because he loved all of you so much he didn't want to lose any of you. On judgement day you will be able to stand, because you believed in Him. He went to the cross and took our judgement day early. If you really believe this and you won't lose your footing on judgement day, then you won't lose your footing now. When you are criticized or when you are wronged, now... If you don't believe this, then you will lose your footing, you'll become hard, critical, bitter, maybe even evil. If you don't know if you believe this in your heart, if you think you believe it in your head, but not your heart, there is a comfort.

Look at Peter - after three years of hearing the gospel from Jesus, at a key moment Peter takes his sword and attacks. Christ goes over the gospel for him again... Father-Cup-Father... Christ shows unyielding love and no amount of pain will stop Jesus Christ from saving us, no amount of stupidity will stiop Jesus Christ from saving us, and no amount of daily failure will stop Jesus Christ from saving us.

Sorry for all the paraphrasing! That last part really was a comfort to me.

Mrs. Williams

What I first noticed about her was that she was sitting in a wheelchair. She didn't seem to be any different from the other elderly white women I've seen waiting to board the plane over the past year. But when she reached out with a smile to touch the gate agent's elbow as he took her boarding pass and he bent down to hug her in response, I was surprised. He took the time to speak with her -- in fact, it was clear he cared about her. I thought the interaction between them said more about him than her, but I was wrong.

Alvin invited me to go ahead of him before he pushed her wheelchair down the ramp - I had effectively forgotten her by the time I settled into my seat. I'd buckled myself into the middle seat on the second row and buried my nose in my book before I noticed her again. This time it was because she was standing at the end of my row and asking if she could sit in the seat next to me. Inwardly a small part of me sighed because I had been looking forward to sitting in the middle and not sharing my row with anyone. But I didn't really begrudge her the seat and I moved down - she was apologizing the whole time I was moving things. She explained to me with a laugh that this was her "lucky seat" and she sat in it every time she went to Houston. As soon as I really looked at her, I knew she was not well. Her thinning, white hair was cropped short, stylish, close to her head. Her skin had a sallow tinge to it and her cheeks were sunken. She was dressed nicely with simple jewelry, not overdone. I don't remember what I said, something appropriately polite, no doubt.

While we waited for the plane to taxi, I learned she traveled every Thursday morning to M.D. Anderson in Houston for her chemotherapy. And back to Jackson every Thursday evening. Only this morning her appointment was on a Monday and she only recognized one other regular traveler. I saw her lean forward to get the attention of the lady in front of us and her smile transformed her face. It was one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen. I think I fell in love with her then. Her cancer can't be cured - in 2004 the doctors in Jackson sent her to hospice to die, but she decided to live. Her husband is in the nursing home at the VA since he suffered a debilitating stroke a few months before she was diagnosed. So she goes to M.D. Anderson every week because she wants to live as long as she can. She was matter of fact about this and told me, "If the Lord wanted me to die, I would have been gone long before now. " She lives in her granddaughter's travel trailer in Byram- it's the perfect size for her, she can move from the bed to the chair easily. She has a tv and plenty of food. Her son picks her up at the Houston airport every week -- she would be happy taking the M.D. Anderson shuttle, but he refuses to let her do that. He want's to go with her to the doctor every week. Whenever her flight back is delayed, he would strip down to be able to go through security with her, but she doesn't let him do that. She's fine, she has her puzzle book and there are plenty of people to visit with--time passes and he could be at home by the time she got through security.

She relayed all of this to me without a bit of self-pity. She didn't invite pity, either. She was at peace. Before the trip was over, I understood why Alvin hugged her because I wanted to hug her, too. Instead, I settled for rubbing her back and telling her I hoped her day went well. She gave me one of those smiles in return.

I hope I see her again - because I probably will hug her then.

Men

Men. I like men.



The other day I was driving and I saw a man on his bike at the corner, waiting for the light to change. No, it's not what you think! This man was a NICE man. I know this because there was an older lady sitting on the wall at the corner. She had a cane and a big bag and the man was talking to her. Of course, I don't know what they were talking about, but I have decided he was making sure she was okay. He must have stopped riding his bike at the corner and noticed her. I think he spoke to her to see how she was doing and to see if she needed any help. Because the light changed and he kept talking to her for a while before he rode off. I liked that.

I think I have posted something like this in the past... at least I'm consistent!

Addendum:

This evening, on the way home, I was trying to put my suitcase in the overhead compartment but it wouldn't fit. I asked the stewardess if my bin was smaller than usual (I was still trying to put the suitcase in the bin as I asked - so my suitcase was at head level) and suddenly an older gentleman who was a little further down the aisle plucked my suitcase out of my hands. Just took it without saying a word and stuffed it into the bin a row back. It startled me a little but I expressed my gratitude.

Now some women might not like what he did, but not me. I think that was nice of him. He just reached out and effortlessly stuffed my heavy bag in a bin for me. And when we landed, he went back there and got it out for me.

Hotels

Okay, this may be mundane to a lot of people, but not to me since I spend most of my week in a hotel. I have found a new hotel! It's a suite, has a great bed, a sitting area with a comfortable couch, a desk and a FULL kitchen!! I can cook in this hotel room if I want to! I was very excited to find this place -- and it's located smack dab in the middle of lots of neat stores. Sam's Club, Home Depot, Bed, Bath and Beyond, HEB... You name it and it's probably around here. They served a light supper in the main office tonight and there is complimentary breakfast every morning. AND it's a good price per night. I like it.

Travel these days requires one to know the system. Otherwise, you're at the mercy of the airlines. Today my flight from Jackson to Houston couldn't land. We circled until we ran low on fuel and then they diverted us to Dallas. Once in Dallas, they were re-fueling the plane and then flying back to Houston. I had a choice, stay on the plane, fly to Houston and then catch a connecting flight to Austin OR catch a connecting flight to Austin from Dallas. There were so many people in a tizzy, talking ugly to the gate agents... It was ridiculous.

I called the airline on my cell phone while I was still on the plane and asked about the schedules out of Houston versus Austin. Ended up changing my schedule so I could take a flight to Austin from Dallas because I could get there earlier. It was a frustrating morning, but it would have been more so if I was one of those folks who stayed on the plane and went back to Houston because they didn't think they could get a flight out of Dallas.

I called the rental car place next to let them know that I would be late. The young man at the counter knows me and this week I got a free upgrade. How nice!

So, I'm thankful for the good things that happened to me today.