Saturday night

Today has been a day at home, spent in my pajamas, and I've been content, mostly. Probably because I've been hurting all day, taking Tylenol every three hours to head off the pain that has been coming regularly and I haven't felt like doing anything else. I've been wondering if menopause isn't that far off in the future for me, because I'm afraid that I'm experiencing symptoms of perimenopause now. Which makes the reality of me not having children (read family) even more concrete. It's one thing to deal with the idea of not having children if I'm still capable of bearing them. It's another to accept the death of that possibility when it is no longer a hope, because my body cannot.

I realize I'm not at that point yet, but it feels closer than it has before, and it is an eventuality I cannot escape. So tonight, me and my emotional self have watched chick flick movies in my pajamas and used up a lot of tissue. Finally, when I could stand the sea of hormones I was wallowing in no longer, I decided to rent an action film with a woman as the kick-butt-heroine. And DAMN if the plot wasn't about true love and the whole world depending on that relationship. AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

However... I saw my counselor/friend on Friday and came away with a pearl of great worth. I was telling him how sometimes I looked at my life and thought, "If I live to be 80, then my life is halfway over and what do I have to show for it relationally? I don't feel close to my blood family, I don't have a family... I have some deep friendships... but really, what do I have to show for my time on earth?" Here's the pearl... He said that biblically, God doesn't talk much about how much we are to accomplish relationally. That the bible is far more concerned with the individual and the importance of growing. Of choosing the right things, of responding to life as an individual. Growing one's self. I liked that and I want to hold on to that truth.