Consumed and Anxious

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I've been consumed with the prospect of buying a new car. I didn't come to the decision to buy one out of a desire to have a new car. I've come to it out of desperation. And I don't like having to make decisions like this. I'm scared and anxious. All last week I kept waking up in the night, heart pounding, my mind filled with thoughts about my financial situation. I've told my uncle and one of my elders about my decision and they have both said they think I am doing the right thing. But I'm still scared.

I realized last night that I'm scared my "plans" won't work. That I've spent all this time and energy researching my options and making it happen and that tomorrow or Tuesday, the credit union is going to tell me no, you can't buy the car. Which isn't really an option in my opinion. Sigh.. cause I know how much my back is against the wall. And I'm scared that God's will for me in this won't agree with my plans. I told him this morning that he knew I needed this, so if he didn't give it to me, then he would just have to take care of me in a different way.

What I'm also afraid of is that I don't trust God to take care of me. I give intellectual lip service to the concept that God is in control and his will is good for me. But the fact that I have been consumed and anxious this whole last week tells me I don't really believe it. If I did, surely I would have been more at peace. So, if I don't trust God to take care of me, who is there left to trust? No one. Not a single person, not even myself. As I type this I recognize that truth as being the source of my heart pounding insomnia at night and the sadness I feel. Jeff talked this morning about the experience of being filled with the Holy Spirit and how that taste of heaven would leave us longing for the full and complete experience. I guess I'm feeling my lack of trust/faith/peace that comes from the Spirit and it's painful.

Then there's work... I can't do the job in the timeframe they have given me with the resources I have. I simply can't. I worry about that, as well. At church this week I wished I could have asked people to pray for me, but I never did because I didn't want to tell them about my fears and weaknesses. I didn't want to take up their time with a prayer request for myself when there are so many people with greater needs than me. No, that's not true. I just didn't want to talk about it with people. Didn't want them to feel sorry for me.

I don't usually run away from things, but part of me would like to leave Mississippi, get a new job, a new home and start over fresh somewhere else.