Broken things

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I've had a lot of things to break on me this year... Toilet innards, water line for the toilet, sewage backed up into the toilet and over flowed one weekend, hot water heater, outside freezer, airconditioning unit, dryer, truck (which had to be towed), and my refrigerator. I've spent lots of money to get those things fixed. More aggravating was the time and energy I had to use to take care of them, too. I resented that more than the money.

Even more consuming to me are the broken things at work. Lab administration--broken, still not fixed. And not fixable by me... LIMS project--broken and behind schedule. Not fixable by me either. Church--broken. Not fixable by me.

I have spent an incredible amount of energy trying to fix things in my life this past year. And the only things I've been able to change were the things that just took money to fix. The other efforts have led me to a place where I don't even want to try to make them better. Im my inner most self I am exhausted. Jaded. Suspicious of peoples motives. Gaurded. Ready to dismiss.

Where does God fit into all this? My head says He is in control and good to me. And I know without a doubt that if I died, I'd go to heaven because of Jesus. I believe that. But isn't there supposed to be more? Where is the joy in my salvation? Where is the peace that passes understanding? Where is the desire to be obedient above all things? Where are the fruits of the Spirit? Where is the living by faith? Where is the fellowship of the saints?

I don't know. I'd like to blame someone or something. I'll even go so far as to say the some of it is my responsibility. Maybe a good bit of it. My next thought is, 'What am I going to do to fix it?'

Nothing ...it's going to stay broken for awhile.