Blackness

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Yesterday I was in a black mood. Angry at everyone for anything. Black, Black, Black. Hateful, even. I think the first time I smiled the whole day was during the offertory and I visualized one of the deacons in a Santa Claus suit. He would make a great Santa! Of course this was the same man who sat beside me during Sunday School making throat clearing-grunting noises that rumbled. The. Entire. Time. The same man I had to force myself to keep from turning to and saying..."Will you shut up or move somewhere else? You are driving me crazy!!" Sigh. I can only imagine the shock if I had done what I wanted to do.

Blackness. Aloneness. Hell.

That's what I felt like yesterday. Jeff asked us in SS what summed hell up---I answered him. "Aloneness." I feel all too familiar with it. I was in tears after that question. Unnoticed. If saved aloneness feels this awful--how terrible is damned aloneness? Unfathomable.

And what is my answer? Where...or better yet... How can I not feel alone? Oh, I know the right answers--read my bible, pray, get up and DO something.... Honestly, I don't think those things fix my problem of aloneness. Yes, I know God is with me, now--right now, always. It doesn't make me feel better. Yes, I know His will is good and perfect, always. It doesn't make me feel better. Yes, I know I am used by Him, that I have a purpose. It doesn't make me not feel alone when I AM alone. When I could go days without talking to anyone I don't call first. When I could go days without seeing anyone and not be missed. When I can have an emotional heartbreak and no but me knows. When I want to be around people and NO ONE is available.

And what do I do? I can't exactly demand that people be available for me. I can't go to the church and say... "Hey! I'm feeling alone and lonely. Make time for me! More than that, make me a part of your life!! Care about me!!!" Nope, can't do that. I've evaluated how I feel because it's important to me that my emotions are healthy emotions. And my wants healthy wants. If I thought that my feeling alone was from a completely dysfunctional source I would try to nip it in the bud and move on. But I don't think it is. I don't want to leach on to someone or have them make me feel better about myself. I don't want to be Alone.

Then comes the self loathing. Yuck. It must be something wrong with me. It must be a lack of mine... I'm not loveable. I'm not attractive. I'm not ... something... and worse... I never will be. This is to be my life from here on out. Worthless. Purposeless. Meaningless. Alone. Blackness.

But not hell. If that is all I have to grasp onto right now, then so be it. I don't have any answers. I don't know anything else to do other than to keep slogging on. I don't know How to not feel alone. I don't know Where I can find people who will invite me in their lives. I doubt anyone does.

So I guess I learn to live with it. And make choices that are good for me. Alone.