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Its Saturday for me! Because I am off this day and free from having to go to work. And I am so thankful for this break, I have needed it. Shortly I will wake my friend Sarah and we'll go to breakfast somewhere. Then I will drive her to meet her mother and I'm looking forward to driving in my car... and a song just ran through my head as I typed that. I don't know what else I will do today. Stuff! Whatever I want to do! Nothing. Everything!
Wasted my time and money on a loser movie last night.... the positive side? Now I know it was a loser movie and I don't have to wonder if I missed out on anything. For I know it was a loser movie.
And I'm longing for something I don't have this morning. It's that nameless craving that comes upon me regularly. It's better when it's not here--this longing for something, the desire to reach out my hands for that...undescribed, unexperienced... something... Sometimes I think it is wanting the void of not having a lover and companion to be filled. Sometimes I think it's the desire to bear and nurture a child of my own body. Sometimes I think it's the lack of purpose/fulfillment in my life---why am I here exactly? Other than to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever"--what is the practical purpose for my being here? Sometimes I think it's general dissatisfaction with myself and the life I lead, for if I could choose the life for myself, it would not look like this. From my weight to the lack of a family. And always whispering in the ear of my conciousness is my own voice telling me that if I were a better, stronger person, I could be different.
I have a feeling I'm in for one of those bad periods of time when I have to deal with all of that. However, at this point, I already know that it won't last and I'll be able to see the positive things about my life and enjoy who I am again. I just wish I could stay there and the un-named and unknown longings would stay away.
But today is my Saturday and it's time to wake Sarah!! So I'll put the dealing with it off for a while longer.
1 comment:
Sweet friend! I enjoyed your company so -- and I am so thankful that we can share these ideas, these thoughts of longing and wanting and wondering.
With much love,
Sarah
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