I wanted to post a few more pictures... These are from New Zealand.

More from Oz

Although I am now home, I still want to post this last letter from New Zealand to keep the record going. I doubt I'm going to write anymore about the trip here, but I do want to write something. This is a picture of the Kaikoura coastline--where the mountains meet the sea...



Hello all!

We are in Kaikoura , New Zealand tonight! It is cold and rainy but we are snugged up tight in our little house on wheels. We’ve just finished a meal of soup and salad, both unique in their own way, not your typical American soup and salad but enjoyable none the less. Both of us have gotten some sort of throat thing so we have taken it easy this afternoon. I was tired after driving a STICK SHIFT on the wrong side of wet pavement up and down twisty mountain roads. Gorges and gulches and rolling hills and oceans on the sides. It is beautiful here! And we are getting to see it with clouds hanging on the tops of the hills. The trees and flowers are blooming and it is simply gorgeous. AB notices the plants everywhere we go! She sees them before she sees the mountains which are what my eyes go to first.

Everyone is so friendly and warm, AB says it’s like going back in time. She also says it reminds her of Hawaii . She is a real trooper, showering in open air bathrooms and sleeping up top in the camper. She won’t let me sleep up there…

We had lunch at a quaint little café in a small town called Cheviot, the ladies were wonderful… but they don’t tip here (or in Australia) so when we left a $2 tip on the table, the waitress came after us saying we had forgotten our two dollars. She kept it quick enough when we explained it was a tip, though.

I think we are having a grand adventure. We are going to stay here for a little while and look around. There is a seal colony down the road and whale watching at the local winery. Which we are going to visit tomorrow and maybe taste some NZ wines. The weather is supposed to clear up a bit.

We’ve seen a variety of animals, sheep and cows, but surprisingly, elk as well. Elk! In herds! And llamas! And really cool birds—crows with white t-shirts on, seagulls with red feet... The hills are covered with vineyards, too. It is a lovely, lovely place. I like it better than Australia . Aunt Barbara likes it different, not better.

I have to say a little bit about the campervan here. It is a diesel (which costs $1.03 NZ/liter) truck, about 15 feet long and tall enough that we have to climb into it. It’s bigger than I thought it would be. It’s a stick shift, but the shift is on the left side, so I’m having to change gears with my left hand. That has taken some getting used to, but thankfully the blinker is on the left side so I’m not turning on the windshield wipers with every turn! I have to admit that I’m proud of myself for being able to drive the thing at all! The very first night in Christchurch we checked into the nearest Holiday Park and I had to back the van into the spot between two campervans already parked. I did it on the very first try!! I didn’t give myself a chance to think about it and get scared. I backed it into the spot today, too. It’s got great mirrors! I’ve only run over the curb on the left side when I’ve been turning about 4 times… I think that’s pretty good, myself. Could be worse… It’s got a heater that runs on electric, so we are staying warm, except for when we have to run between the raindrops to the bathroom.

Well, I guess that’s all for now…

Uncle Joe, Aunt Barbara says, “I love you!”. We are doing fine and feel very safe in NZ.

Love!
Lisa and Barbara

Letters from Oz

I haven't had much leisure time while I've been here in Australia, but I've been able to send emails to my family and friends. So I decided to post them here to have a record of some of the events that happened to me and Aunt Barbara.


Saturday, Sept 23rd

Hi all!

We (Aunt Barbara and myself) have arrived in Sydney on
time. We had a good trip overall although 14 hours on one plane with
358 other people makes a very LONG trip. Thankfully there were no
screaming children on board. But! The next time I do this, I think I
will spend the money for a first class seat. No kidding.
We got a taxi to the hotel and I have to admit to cringing a little on the ride
over. Because the streets are all backwards! And everytime he'd
make a turn, I thought oncoming traffic was going to hit us! Not to
mention the fact that he went very fast and ran yellow lights
frequently. I had to laugh because all I could think about that I was
going to have to drive once we get to Brisbane.
Yikes! I think we got gypped, too. Because the cost of the drive
from the airport was $75.00 AU when it suppposed to be $40.00AU. I didn't
tip him.

We are in the hotel but we are not in a room yet because they don't have one ready for us. They were full last night due to the Aussie Rules futbol tournemount and we are waiting for someone to check out. We are sitting in the hotel restaurant drinking a $5.00 cup of
coffee.

So--Day One.. we are tired. We are grimy. We are not hungry, however, because Quantas Air fed us very well! Just imagine a British butler and you know who served the whole trip! They
were wonderful! I don't know what we will end up doing today, but we may take the City Tour to get ourselves oriented to Sydney.

More to come later...

Lisa

Sunday, Sept. 24th

Hello all!

After sleeping from 2pm yesterday until 4 am this morning (with a three hour supper break last night) we got up and went out to see what we could see. We are resting now. It's 3:30pm and we have spent the morning walking around the Sydney Opera House and the Rocks (which is the first place the convicts landed when they came here) market. It is unseasonably warm here, unfortunately. Whew! Hot, hot, and dry! I (Lisa) am still dehydrated from the plane trip and walking around in the sun baking didn't help me. We also climbed at least 250 steps today -- my body (Lisa) hasn't seen that much exercise in a while. So we are resting now, before our dinner cruise this evening.

We had a chinese banquet lunch where they bring the food to the table and put it on a lazy susan and we serve ourselves. I think Aunt Barbara is impressed with my new company and my new co-workers. She says "They are not stupid people. So it makes it fun!" It's made me laugh when I introduce her as my aunt, two people have immediately said something to the effect of -- so, she's your chaperone?

The cost of things here are expensive--the chinese banquet we had cost $26 AU just for lunch. That's not much less than the breakfast buffet in the restaurant. We've had room service twice now, once last night and then this morning--what a treat! Aunt Barbara said she's never done room service before and that I am a bad influence on her, but she liked it!

The flies are terrible. They go for your mouth and nose--someone asked if we had learned the aussie salute yet...waving your arms around at the flies.

Hope everyone is well at home. I'm not missing you...yet!

Love!

Lisa

Tuesday, Sept 26th

Hello all!

We are still perking along-- Aunt Barbara went to the Chinese Gardens yesterday and had a good time! I am thankful that Labware is picking up the food tab while we are here, at least for me. The food here is so expensive, even outside of the hotel. Yesterday morning Aunt Barbara had the leftover pastries from our room service breakfast on Sunday and I ate pastries provided to us before the meeting. They provided me with lunch and supper as well as stuff for our tea breaks. I "stole" food from our tea breaks and hid it in my bag to take to Aunt Barbara. So she had muffins that I lifted from the meeting for breakfast this morning. I've already taken three more this morning for her to have tomorrow! LOL! She gave me one of her ziplock bags and I'm going to try and get some of the fruit for her this afternoon... She had McDonald's for lunch and we both had a mediterranean dinner last night. It was a nice restaurant situated on the wharf of Darling Harbor--beautiful evening outside! Labware is really treating us well as far as the dinner meals are concerned. I tasted barrimundi (fish) for the first time. Seafood, as you can imagine, is a big deal here. I've had calamari and squid--liked the calamari, didn't care for the squid much. The shrimp is to die for though--Jeannie, you would love it! They serve it with the head still attached. Amazing how squeamish some people are about that stuff, they've made me laugh.

The night before we had a dinner cruise on Sydney Harbor and they entertained us with aborigine dancers. We got some great pictures of that. Tonight we will have an "authentic" aussie bbq.

Uncle Joe--Aunt Barbara is going shopping today, she said to tell you she loves you and that she is having a good time! I asked her to buy me some earrings, so I'm looking forward to seeing what she chooses. We are planning on looking for some opals to buy later on this week.

Okay, my conference is about to start! I hope this finds all of you well!

Love!
Lisa

Wednesday, Sept 27th

Hello all!

We're just in from an evening out--It's Wednesday night - 11pm here, Tuesday morning 8:00 am where you are. Aunt B is in the shower and I've been downloading some of my pictures. Thought you'd like to see a couple. I don't have any of me that are worth looking at, so you'll have to look at Aunt Barbara. The picture of her face is when were were in a gondola just going up over the Toranga Zoo this evening. She may look like she is smiling, but she wasn't very happy right then... LOL!

I had one of the most divine desserts I have ever laid lips on tonight... White chocolate mousse with Bailey's creme brulee. Oh... My... Gosh. I ate every bit! I'm not sure if we will have internet access in Brisbane or not... Tomorrow we will be flying out of Sydney to Brisbane in the evening. If we have acess, I'll write again, but if not, this may be it. I'll be able to check my email tomorrow during the day.

Uncle Joe, Aunt Barbara says, "I love you! I'm doing great--Lisa's trying to wear me out!"

I love you all and hope you are doing well!

Love!

Lisa

Thursday, Sept 28th

Hello All!

It is Thursday night, 11:30pm (8:30am your time). We have just gotten settled in the hotel and boy! am I glad to be here. I just want you to know that God is a good God and He looks after us better than we deserve. I was worried about arriving in Brisbane after dark and trying to find the hotel from the airport, driving on the left side etc. But, because it was so late, I didn't have to contend with a lot of traffic. Which was a wonderful thing, because driving on the wrong side of the road was unnerving! And we found a map in the car so that helped us find where we were going because the maps from the internet were sorely lacking. We prayed before we left the parking garage and prayed in thanksgiving when we got to the hotel. Because we actually didn't drive straight to the hotel, we kinda "found" it by accident since it wasn't marked very clearly. Aunt Barbara would say "Lisa, you done good!" but I know grace and mercy when I see it. LOL!

Picture this: Lisa and Aunt Barbara in a Toyota Yaris, the driver side is on the wrong side. The blinker switch is on the wrong side. I said before we left the garage at the airport, this blinker being on the wrong side is going to give me fits. So we set out. We are on the road, and I move over into another lane, making sure to turn on the blinker... and the windshield wiper comes on. "Damn!" I said. Aunt Barbara laughed. I must have said "Damn!" at least ten times on the way to the hotel. Aunt Barbara laughing each time. When I pulled up into the parking place at the hotel, the front bumper scraped the curb. "DAMN!" Aunt Barbara said. We both just fell out laughing. I was definitely a little stressed by that time because we had driven around in circles a few times trying to find the hotel, unknowingly passing it each time we went around.

So.. I have internet access at the new hotel for now.

Chad, Jeannie or Linda--can one of you tell Mama about the email and find out if everything is going alright with her? Uncle Joe--don't fall out when you see the master card bill. *grin*

LOVE to you all!

Lisa and Barbara

Friday, Sept 29th

Dear Uncle Joe, Mama, Jeannie, Chad and Linda;

We have changed hotels because the one we were at was outside of the city and not very....nice. We are now at the Royal Albert hotel and have a deluxe suite with a kitchen, washing maching and dryer for only $20 more than what we were paying for the Dump. We turned in the car, too. I realized we would be much happier without me driving in this city. So, we are both VERY pleased with our new arrangements.

Linda--congrats on the 100! We are proud of you!


We would like to know how everyone is doing---Uncle Joe, AB (Aunt Barbara) wants to know what you are doing and why you haven't emailed us in awhile. Ha ha! Jeannie, Chad or Linda--I would like to know how Mama is doing at the house. Is everything going smoothly for her? How is the house stuff (carpet, painting, etc?) going?

We love you all!
Lisa and Barbara

Traveling to Down Under

Traveling to Australia was a mixture of good things and not so enjoyable things... But nothing terrible thank goodness! We were able to check our baggage straight from the Jackson airport to Sydney, meaning we didn't have to do a baggage claim in Los Angeles before we checked into Quantas Air. That was SUCH a good thing! We left from Jackson on a delayed flight to Houston. Got to Houston in time to walk on the connecting flight to Los Angeles. Walk, walk, walk, walk through the airports. By the time we got onto the Quantas plane, my legs and feet were already swollen from sitting so much, making me dread the 14 hour flight to Sydney a little more.

Most of the stewards on the Quantas flight were men--and the service was excellent! Made me think of British butlers serving us. They were great! But, the quarters were tight! Economy seats are made for small people, not even comfortable for average sized one and certainly uncomfortable for me. And the bathrooms! Don't even go there.

We arrived and got through customs quickly enough. We got a taxi right off and he was a speed demon. Ran yellow lights and I was cringing before it was over because the roads being opposite was a little disorienting at first. It felt like oncoming traffic was going to hit us because they "were on the wrong side of the road"! I'm sure I'll get used to is soon enough. Once at the hotel we had to wait for a room because we were there so early in the morning and no one had checked out yet. Once in our room, I took a shower and went to sleep, hence the fact that I was up at 4 am. I think I did pretty good, though. LOL!

Well, I'm here... I'm waiting for time to pass so I can order breakfast. We may go to church or we may go to a tour. Not sure yet. LOL!

Surprised by love

It's surprising to me that I actually love my sister. I know that sounds funny, but for so long I haven't felt close to my family as though my love for them has been on more of an intellectual level. I knew I loved them, but that wasn't the same as feeling love for them. Last week someone hurt her so deeply she cried in my arms. She never does that and I cried with her. I cried for her that night after the lights were turned off. She stopped crying but I didn't. I think she was surprised that I wept for her, too. It seems to have made a difference in how she acted toward me this weekend, wanting to be around me, wanting to run errands with me. I hate that she was hurt, but I'm thankful to have experienced that with her.

My brother-in-law's father died last week and it brought the idea of dying to the forefront of my mind, especially the aspect of eternity. I am not God and I don't know if he was a believer or not, but if I could say from my own limited understanding whether he was or not, I'd say 'Not'. The funeral was a very interesting experience--both of the pastors spoke of how he wasn't suffering anymore, that he was in a better place and so on. All I could think about was how I doubted it and he was probably twisting and turning in the everlasting torment of hell wishing he was back in this life. It was frustrating to me to hear the pastor speak about that horrid, little man as though he were a good man. When they mentioned the Benny Hinn conference in reference to him, I had to cover my mouth to smother my laughter. Linda asked the pastor later... "Is this a charismatic Presbyterian church?" Poor man, he stammered and turned beet red. None of us sisters have any mercy when it comes to lying from the pulpit or using scripture ineptly. What I realized from the funeral was how much the community loves my brother-in-law and his mother. They all know how the father was but they came for his family. That was a wonderful thing.

One fun thing happened with Linda while I was in north Mississippi... We visited the Tishomingo State Park, which has a swinging, suspension bridge over a little river. I watched Linda walk out onto the bridge and freeze about halfway across because it was moving under her. Her whole body froze, she hunched over, held her arms out from her body as though she were about to lose her balance... and I ... I started running for the bridge! She saw me coming and started squealing, trying to get off of the bridge before I got there, but she was too scared to walk fast. So I blocked her from getting off the bridge and started jumping up and down on the it while she was still on it, making it undulate like a wave. It was the most fun I've had in a long time! She squealed and screamed and cussed and froze like a rabbit. I loved it.

I would like to go back to this place and gaze at this moon. I rented a convertible this weekend to play in just because I had HAD it with things and I wanted to do something fun. So I rented a convertible! I have enjoyed it very much. I bought my first sewing machine of my very own today because I need to do some hemming on things and I would rather do it myself than have someone else do my alterations. I was reminded of how much I know how to do today. I know how to sew, even though I haven't done it very much. How many women my age actually know how to thread a bobbin? Many of them do, let me rephrase that--how many single women my age who have to work for a living know how to thread a bobbin? I think the numbers would be less. How many know how to plant a garden and can vegetables or make pickles? How many know how to make homemade fried chicken and mashed potatoes? I haven't done those things in a long time, but I could if I wanted to. Lately, I've wanted to--but I do not have time.

There's a hummingbird outside my window, sipping nectar from my lantana flowers. It's a little female, not very pretty, but dainty and a joy to watch! This is the third time I've seen her. I'm glad she comes to visit me.

I've rented a storage unit to put some things in while I am in this selling and buying a house process. I will begin to put things in it soon... I'll probably hire someone to move a bunch of things out next weekend. Stuff! How did I get so much stuff?

I want to drive my convertible to that bluff and watch the stars. I'll have to settle for driving down the Natchez Trace tonight and listen to the frogs sing their croaky choruses.

I wonder sometimes if I am not just a little dull. Oh, I can be witty enough and I can regurgitate facts with the best of them, but take away surface interaction...how much depth is there? How much independent thinking do I exercise? Take away wilfulness, take away cleverness... how much depth of thought is there to me?

I wonder.

I'm reading a book titled 'Gilead', lent to me by a friend. It's this book that has caused me to ask of myself--do I have depth of thought and character? I like this book! It's a letter from a pastor father to his son when he finds out he is dying. Listen to this excerpt:

I really can't tell what is beautiful anymore. I passed two young fellows on the street the other day. I know who they are, they work at the garage. They're not churchgoing, either one of them, just decent rascally young fellows who have to be joking all the time, and there they were, propped against the garage wall in the sunshine, lighting up their cigarettes. They're always so black with grease and so strong with gasoline I don't know why they don't catch fire themselves. They were passing remarks back and forth the way they do and laughing that wicked way they have. And it seemed beautiful to me. It is an amazing thing to watch people laugh, the way it sort of takes them over. Sometimes they really do struggle with it. I see that in church often enough. So I wonder what it is and where it comes from, and I wonder what it expends out of your system, so that you have to do it till you're done, like crying in a way, I suppose, except that laughter is much more easily spent.

I liked that description of finding beauty in laughter very much! And the thought in this one made me pause and think for a while:

Now, this might seem a trivial thing to mention, considering the gravity of the subject, but I truly don't feel it is. We were very pious children from pious households in a fairly pious town, and this affected our behavior considerably. Once, we baptized a litter of cats. They were dusty little barn cats just steady on their legs, the kind of waifish creatures that live their anonymous lives keeping the mice down and have no interest in humans at all, except to avoid them. But the animals all seem to start out sociable, so we were always pleased to find new kittens prowling out of whatever cranny their mother had tried to hide them in, as ready to play as we were. It occurred to one of the girls to swaddle them up in a doll's dress--there was only one dress, which was just as well since the cats could hardly tolerate a moment in it and would have to have been unswaddled as soon as they were christened in any case. I myself moistened their brows, repeating the full Trinitarian formula.
Their grim old crooked-tail mother found us baptizing away by the creek and began carrying her babies off by the napes of their necks, one and then another. We lost track of which was which, but we were fairly sure that some of the creatures had been borne away still in the darkness of paganism, and that worried us a good deal. So finally I asked my father in the most offhand way imaginable what exactly would happen to a cat if one were to say, baptize it. He replied that the Sacraments must always be treated and regarded with the greatest respect. That wasn't really an answer to my question. We did respect the Sacraments, but we thought the whole world of those cats. I got his meaning though, and I did no more baptizing until I was ordained....
I still remember how those warm little brows felt under the palm of my hand. Everyone has petted a cat, but to touch one like that, with the pure intention of blessing it, is a very different thing. It stays in the mind. For years we would wonder what, from a cosmic viewpoint, we had done to them. It still seems to me to be a real question. There is a reality in blessing, which I take baptism to be, primarily. It doesn't enhance sacredness, but it acknowledges it, and there is power in that. I have felt it pass through me, so to speak. The sensation is of really feeling a creature, I mean really feeling its mysterious life and your mysterious life at the same time. I don't wish to be urging the ministry on you, but there are some advantages to it you might not know to take account of if I did not point them out. Not that you have to be a minister to confer blessing. You are simply much more likely to find yourself in that position. It's a thing people expect of you. I don't know why there is so little about this aspect of the calling in the literature.

Blessing others... Do I take the opportunities to bless as they are given to me? I want to think about this some more.

Saturday night

Today has been a day at home, spent in my pajamas, and I've been content, mostly. Probably because I've been hurting all day, taking Tylenol every three hours to head off the pain that has been coming regularly and I haven't felt like doing anything else. I've been wondering if menopause isn't that far off in the future for me, because I'm afraid that I'm experiencing symptoms of perimenopause now. Which makes the reality of me not having children (read family) even more concrete. It's one thing to deal with the idea of not having children if I'm still capable of bearing them. It's another to accept the death of that possibility when it is no longer a hope, because my body cannot.

I realize I'm not at that point yet, but it feels closer than it has before, and it is an eventuality I cannot escape. So tonight, me and my emotional self have watched chick flick movies in my pajamas and used up a lot of tissue. Finally, when I could stand the sea of hormones I was wallowing in no longer, I decided to rent an action film with a woman as the kick-butt-heroine. And DAMN if the plot wasn't about true love and the whole world depending on that relationship. AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

However... I saw my counselor/friend on Friday and came away with a pearl of great worth. I was telling him how sometimes I looked at my life and thought, "If I live to be 80, then my life is halfway over and what do I have to show for it relationally? I don't feel close to my blood family, I don't have a family... I have some deep friendships... but really, what do I have to show for my time on earth?" Here's the pearl... He said that biblically, God doesn't talk much about how much we are to accomplish relationally. That the bible is far more concerned with the individual and the importance of growing. Of choosing the right things, of responding to life as an individual. Growing one's self. I liked that and I want to hold on to that truth.

Questions

Is it a sin to pray that someone would die? Is it ever okay to wish that someone would die because you don't want someone you love to keep suffering?

Does it matter if the person is close to death anyway? What if they are abusive, hateful and filled with bitterness? A financial burden? A waste of air by human standards?

Does it matter if they aren't a Christian? That they have alienated everyone in their life?

Life would be easier if someone would die. I think God already knows that and knows that I would like for that person to die soon. Would it be wrong to pray for a swift end to the misery they bring to everyone they touch?

I don't think it would be wrong.

The motivation for such a prayer would be that my loved one wouldn't have to deal with an intolerable situation. Yet God uses such things for His own purposes. The suffering of loved ones is not without purpose or value. God gives each of us individually our portion of suffering because the end, the burning off of impurities, is more valuable than being happy in the short term. Should we pray away the suffering of those we love?

Why not? Jesus asked God to spare Him if it was God's will. It isn't wrong to ask the same for ourselves or the ones we love. The challenge is to accept His answer.

But I swear, if I were closer to the situation, I'd be praying really hard for someone to die soon.

Weakness

One of my weaknesses is self control... Apparently I have none. Especially when it comes to controlling my diet. I will do okay for a few days and then--WHAM!!--I blow it. I am a smart girl, I am one of the most capable people I know... LOL! This lack of self-discipline is hard for me to swallow. I HATE it. I feel like I'm peering through the trees at a possible future that I just can't quite reach because of my own short comings. Makes me want to cuss and quit. Or quit and cuss.

I'm not at the stubborn, I'll-show-you-or-die stage yet. I'm not pleasant when I get that stubborn. I think I better hurry up and get there so I can do this, though.

Details of Life

Yesterday my family came and we celebrated the 4th of July at my house. We had barbecued ribs and chicken, potato salad, green salad, fruit salad, baked beans, grilled corn, rolls, blueberry pie with icecream and chocolate cream pie. Whew! I'm still full. It was a lot of fun! We told stories on each other and everyone gave as good as they got. Jeannie, Chad, Linda, Uncle Joe, Aunt Barbara, Mama, Susanne, Lauren and me... Bunch of BIG personalities! I wonder why the two men stayed outside most of the time??

Aunt Barbara is going with me to Australia and New Zealand in September! Yay!!! I have a traveling companion! And I'm going to finish up the details of my new job next week--how much money, when to work, etc.

This weekend we are going to Mama's house and picking out the stuff we want to keep in each of our houses. Then we are going to sell the rest and Jeannie and Chad will have an empty house to rent when they buy it.

My Honey dog damaged her knee joint a couple of weeks ago and we have put her on house arrest, so to speak. Talk about a sulky dog... She stands at the door and looks out longingly until we make her lie down. It's amusing to see her pout, especially when Linda disciplines her--Linda NEVER makes her do anything.

I am so happy with the changes in my life. Thank you, Lord.

All I can say is Wow...

I turned in my resignation at work on Friday.

I am feeling a little bit (just a little) anxious at the thought of leaving the known part of my life for the unknown. I've been at the same job for 13 years..That's a long tme. My heart still desires to serve the public health, but my brain knows that won't be possible in the current administration. It is past time to get out of the sinking ship.

On the other hand, I am very excited about the opportunity I've been given. Thank you, God. I'm tired of working for nothing and being unappreciated for my efforts. I decided to leave though, because of what was best for me. Future, here I come! And...I'm gonna get me a bug convertible someday...

The Path Behind

I don't know where this journey will take me, the path curves ahead and I'm not able to see very far into the distance. I know where I've come from and I don't want to go back. I know where I am and I don't want to stay. That leaves one option open to me...move ahead. I am not bothered that where I am headed is not visible to me. I am thankful for the peace which has come in the wake of my decision. I can only remember this same peace one other time, when I finally decided to quit graduate school, save this decision was not as painfully reached!

Some would say that looking backward has no benefit, but I would disagree. Remembering the path I've traveled to arrive where I am helps me to see God. Without the pain I've felt from the situation at church, without the struggles I've had at work, without the discontent in my life I would not be willing to make this change. Oh, the mysterious ways of the Lord! I do not deserve this good thing. I never have and never will DESERVE the blessings He has given me, either materially or spiritually. But how wonderful that He doesn't dole out blessings based on our merit! And I think for the first time I am experiencing His faithfulness during a period of my life when I have questioned Him, been angry with Him and perhaps even tested Him. My relationship with Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit is just that---a relationship. I am actually encouraged that I have been (am?) in a place where my emotions toward Him have been passionately engaged at times. Even if those emotions weren't always comfortable. I am so glad I have lived long enough to have a path behind!

Dread

More and more I've started dreading going to work. I find myself getting there 15 to 20 minutes late consistently. I'm staying up too late tonight because I don't want to go to sleep and then wake up and go to work. Sigh.

I've got things to take care of at home, too. I need to call the cleaning service to come to the house this week. I need to cut the yard. I need to get a new refrigerator. I need to wash clothes. Too much to do.

I'm ready for the change to happen now. I'm ready to get it done. Transition and waiting periods are not my strong suite.

Change

I don't know what the next few months will bring but I think changes are coming. For the first time I can remember I'm thinking I need to change jobs. I even have an idea of what I could pursue. There will be changes in the ownership of my family's farm which will benefit us all. I want to make changes to my body. I am hopeful that will happen, too. I believe I will probably change churches this year if things remain the same there.

Change is coming. I feel it. And I'm glad. I'm ready for it.

Rings

Whenever I go on a trip somewhere, I usually buy a ring. I'm not sure how it started, but I have gained a collection of rings from my travels. On my first trip to Peru, I acquired a silver cross ring. I bought a silver ring with black chips on one of our trips to the VA hospital when my father was dying. I wore it on my thumb during the rest of his illness. On a trip to North Carolina, I fell for a ring made of twisted copper strands. On a trip to Tennessee I found a silver plated ring with a blue gemstone surrounded by cubic zirconium stones. On my most recent trip to Yellowstone in Montana I brought home a thin silver band decorated with triangles and circles. I'm wearing it on my left thumb now... I like to wear it because it reminds me of the power and immensity of God I saw. Because I was reminded then that the God who created those amazing mountains, who painted the sunsets in the evenings, who wrought the rivers and streams, He who brought new life---this same God is MY Lord. He is bigger than the problems I face at work. If He could handle all of creation, then He is more than capable of taking care of me.

I love that this ring has already put it's mark on me.

Broken things

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I've had a lot of things to break on me this year... Toilet innards, water line for the toilet, sewage backed up into the toilet and over flowed one weekend, hot water heater, outside freezer, airconditioning unit, dryer, truck (which had to be towed), and my refrigerator. I've spent lots of money to get those things fixed. More aggravating was the time and energy I had to use to take care of them, too. I resented that more than the money.

Even more consuming to me are the broken things at work. Lab administration--broken, still not fixed. And not fixable by me... LIMS project--broken and behind schedule. Not fixable by me either. Church--broken. Not fixable by me.

I have spent an incredible amount of energy trying to fix things in my life this past year. And the only things I've been able to change were the things that just took money to fix. The other efforts have led me to a place where I don't even want to try to make them better. Im my inner most self I am exhausted. Jaded. Suspicious of peoples motives. Gaurded. Ready to dismiss.

Where does God fit into all this? My head says He is in control and good to me. And I know without a doubt that if I died, I'd go to heaven because of Jesus. I believe that. But isn't there supposed to be more? Where is the joy in my salvation? Where is the peace that passes understanding? Where is the desire to be obedient above all things? Where are the fruits of the Spirit? Where is the living by faith? Where is the fellowship of the saints?

I don't know. I'd like to blame someone or something. I'll even go so far as to say the some of it is my responsibility. Maybe a good bit of it. My next thought is, 'What am I going to do to fix it?'

Nothing ...it's going to stay broken for awhile.

After a long absence

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Well, finally I have been able to recover the password to my blog--I'm so glad I didn't have to start another one.

It's a Friday night, I'm at home with the tv on---Linda is picking up chinese for supper and I'm settled in for the evening. Tomorrow will be a full day, working on the refrigerator, mowing the grass, washing clothes, getting my bible study ready for next week... and then it will be Sunday and I have to go to church. It's terrible when you feel like you HAVE to go to church rather than WANT to go to church. But...that's where I am now. Bleeck.

I wish I could say that work stress has lessened in the last few months I've not been able to write, but it hasn't. It is the same, worse at times, but I think I must be becoming numb to it. I need some outside interests!! I've got to give myself something to look forward to besides watching tv and reading. I've discovered an unfortunate vice--the bodice ripper novel. I used to be contemptuous of those women who read those novels... and yet, here I am. Of course, the one's I read are of a higher caliber than the ones the general populace read... Uh-huh. Actually, I go through phases. I'll read them for a week and then go months without touching them. I've decided the attraction is vicariously living the fantasy of being taken care of--cause you know those things always have a damsel in distress and the strong, handsome man comes along, decides she's the one and takes care of her problem. Sigh... Oh, to have that happen....

However, today I decided that I don't trust anyone to make decisions for me, that there are very few people who I even listen to without question. So I wouldn't make a good distressed damsel anyway... Since I'd probably end up driving him away with my resistance to being taken care of... LOL! Sigh, I guess that's why they are called fantasies.

I still think I would make a good wife, regardless... LOL! I guess it's a positive thing I think that about myself, someone should... LOL!

Well, I'm going to end this now... before I say something I'll really regret.

Illness

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I have been sick this week with a stomach bug, nausea, diarrhea, fever--nasty stuff. I stayed home from work yesterday and it was a MISERABLE day, I couldn't get warm, my insides were distinctly unhappy-- I haven't eaten hardly anything in two days. Not hungry yet, either.

I need my back sink to be fixed before the refinance loan will go through, it's something I could do myself, but I'm still weak and ill enough to not want to deal with it. I've called a plumber and I need them to come this morning and fix it. For the appraiser will have to come back out here to say that it's been done. It's aggravating. That bathroom is slated to be refurbished anyway--why would they hold up a loan for faucet replacement? Sigh.

I need to get out and get some things this morning, but the idea of getting dressed and moving around is more than I can stand.

Grief

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I'm a long way from my childhood and have been for awhile. Realistically I was probably a long way from my childhood when I was in it. Nonetheless, I am grieving a loss from what security and childhood I had. My mother is going to move into a retirement community. She is really going to do it. And in the process, the home I grew up in will be no more. I have my own house and home that I love. But Mama and Daddy's house and my Home was always there, always available when I wanted to be there. My home and family were imperfect and there are many things that were painful. But these days, when I am so conscious of my aloneness in life, I remember living with Mama and Daddy and my sisters. I remember noise and laughter. I remember cooking and working with my sisters (not always peacefully), turning the music on and singing together until we were finished. I remember long summer days spent sitting on the porch shelling peas and butterbeans, snapping string beans. Working under the shade trees shucking and silking sweet corn. Fighting over who got the wishbone at Sunday lunch. Driving the car to and from church before I had my drivers license. Watching tv together, having favorite shows we waited for every week. Taking turns sleeping in the same bed with my sisters, knowing that Jeannie would steal the covers and Linda would talk in her sleep. Standing outside in the complete darkness of a moonless night and seeing the yellow light spill from the windows of my house onto the ground. The sound of my family's voices carried on the night air through the window screens until someone would finally ask, "Where's Lisa?" Knowing that if I didn't go in, Mama would send Jeannie or Linda to find me.

I'm afraid I won't ever know those kinds of simple joys again. The joys of a family.

When Mama closes up the house I won't be able to go Home again, either. Even now tears of loss well up in my eyes and my grief is a hard lump in my throat.

On Sunday Joel and I are singing a duet and I've been thinking about the words of our song this week.

"Dear refuge of my weary soul, on Thee my sorrows roll..."