Day 2

So this diet stuff goes great until the end of the day.  THEN I could eat the legs off this table.  I've got to find something that helps with the hunger - snacks, different eating times - something.  

I am not generally a grumpy, irritable person - not generally.  But I am right now.  Really grumpy - like stay-out-of-my-way-grumpy. 

I want to do this.  I really do - until the end of the day.  And then I don't care.   This is going to be an interesting road I'm on.   Bleeck. 

Dieting...again

SO - I've committed to a diet again because I've been playing around with the idea of it in my head for the last few weeks.  And last week at the doctor's office they made me weigh and I've gained back all the weight I'd lost last year.  ICK.   So, here I am having committed myself to a diet again and having dropped a chunk of change on it.

Buyer's remorse.  I gotta get over that and do this thing.  Yikes.

I'm a bit rusty...

Blowing the dust off the cover of this is likely to send me into a coughing fit.  Also not sure if I should start blogging again since I don't feel particularly insightful in a meaningful way right now.

Daily Grind - taking one step forward and three steps back and no, it's not a dance.  Sometimes living is just getting through  one day at a time - one hour at a time.   I'm not feeling like hiding behind a mask these days.  And I'm not sure I won't just run people off if my face is showing.  But I'm sick to death of the mask.

Meeting Someone I Met Online

There must a lot of people who come through Canadian customs to visit people they have met and started up relationships with online. I crossed the red line around 10:00pm last night to be asked:

"Are you here visiting someone?"
"No, I'm here for business."
"You aren't meeting someone for the first time?"
"No, I'm here on business - see, the declaration card says business."
"What kind of work do you do?"
"I work with computer databases."
"Okay, go to the Immigration Office."

So, I went to the Immigration Office (not what I wanted to be doing at that time of night, I assure you).

"Hi. Are you here visiting someone?"
"No, I'm here on business."
"You aren't meeting someone?"
"Nope."
"If you meet someone here and decide to stay long-term, you have to apply for a Visa."
"I'm not meeting anyone, I'm here on business...."

Apparently single women traveling to Winnipeg, Canada have a sign on their forehead.

"Meeting someone I met online. I need to know what to do if I want to move in with him."

The Valley

Lord, high and Holy, Meek and Lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision
where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox
that they way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;
Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.

Running into a wall is no fun.

I was telling a story and said, "Oh my god!" at the end of it - and the next thing I heard was my favorite 4 year old boy saying... "You're not supposed to say that, Aunt Lee Lee!"

Sigh.

Calving glacier - what an exciting shot!!



Blue ICE - beautiful!




It was SO cold!!



I drank in the beauty.

I saw a lot of tail...

If a picture is worth a thousand words then here goes -The faces tell it all...

too long

What's uppermost in importance for me right now? LOTS of things - from the 'to-do' list I have running around in my brain (not to mention the pink post-its everywhere) to the idea that I am leaving for Alaska on Thursday, to how much work can I get done before I leave, to processing my church, to how many people can I cram into seeing over the next two days, to the aggravating congestion in my head... It's a mess - almost chaotic... But not in a bad way.

Fun things for me - I am looking forward to using my new camara lens on the trip - hopefully I'll have lots of opportunities to shoot good pictures. I am looking forward to teasing Chappy on this trip - or watching Linda tease him - almost as good.

Introspective things for me - I'm missing Communion on Sunday and I listened to a sermon from Tim K called The Supper which made me WANT to participate in it for the first time in a long time. I hate I'm going to miss it, because the opportunity comes around so seldom at my church. I really would like to celebrate remembering what Christ's sacrifice provided for me and relish my relationship with Him and God at that particular time and place.

Thankful things for me - Work is providing me with a great deal of positive re-enforcement about my value as a consultant. This is particularly gratifying given my recent risks and changes in my job, so I am very glad about it! Today another consultant offered to hire me to do some work on the side for his company. That was a HUGE compliment.

Desired things for me - Am beginning to WANT more things for myself than what I have (not material things - emotional, healthy things). Not sure how I'm going to respond to that, but planning to respond. I am glad to say that I don't look at them and think, "That will never happen for me." I am thinking instead, "Am I willing to do what I need to do to make it happen? Yes, I am." and then I have the certainty that change will occur. GOOD thing.


Okay, this is rambling enough, but it certainly is an apt reflection of my thought processes, so there you have it!!

Easter Morning

Easter morning I woke up early enough to savor a cup of good coffee and listen to a sermon by Tim Keller called 'I am He'. It was a wonderful morning! And because I had been fed spiritually that morning, I didn't get angry when I went to church and there was nothing in the sermon. There were glimmers of something, times when he was on the edge of having something wonderful to say, but... he...just...couldn't...get it out. Sigh. Still, I was happy to be there. It was made clear to me a number of people have missed me over the past three months - they may not have contacted me outside of church, but when I went back this past Sunday, many people came to me to tell me how much they missed me. I have put my church in a box and when they jump outside of the box, I'm surprised. I hate it when I do that, but I do it all the time.

Some of what Keller said was this:

If the christian religion is right, then it has to be a superior religion, because it is God himself who has come for you. If it's right, then it's superior. But if it's wrong, if it is the teaching of a megalomaniacal psycho, then you should despise it. If you have a mild response to Jesus Christ, then you have no intellectual integrity. If you hear what he said about himself and if you decide he is right, then you have to fall on your face and beg him to command you... or if you decide he's wrong, then you have to despise him. But if you have a mild response to Jesus Christ, you have no intellectual integrity and you don't know who he is.

"Woe is me, I am a man of unclean lips... I am come undone." Nobody can stand on their faces before God. Jesus gives them a glimpse of who he is and it is enough to knock a Roman legion on their faces. If you fall to the ground you are vulnerable. If you lose your footing, you've lost, the enemy is too great for you.

What is spirituality? God is a divine presence, God is a divine love, and if I'm spiritual then I'm in tune with that divine love.

Mysterium tremendum - when people actually got near the holy, the sacred, when they actually began to experience the reality of God -- it was traumatic. Getting close to God is traumatic. Nobody can stay on their feet in the presence of God. Why? Very simple. Our self image is based on performance. Everyone's self image is based on performance. Our identity is fragile, so when we get into the presence of superlativeness, it's traumatic. If you have to live or work with someone who is SO much better at your job than you, or someone who is SO much prettier than you, then our self image is shaken. Nobody can stand in the presence of God. Our culture has lost this idea. We can't even stand people who are so brilliant and so pretty without feeling mediocre.

If you are a secular person you should hope for judgement day, because then everything will be put right. But here's the problem if there is a judgement day, what hope is there for you and me? If the soldiers beforeJesus Christ, in the garden, who was veiling his Glory, couldn't keep their feet, how can we expect to stand before God?

Solution: Christ said: If you are looking for me, then let these men go... There were at least 200 soldiers that came and looked for Jesus. If you are arresting a dangerous insurrectionist, you certainly arrest their followers. But Christ said "let them go" which means, "forgive them". Take me... me for them... Let them go and take me...

The Cup - all thru the OT, the cup is a judgement day thing, it is justice and suffering and punishment for the ones who deserve it. Christ says, I will go to the scaffold for you. Jesus is the judge who was judged. Why? Because he loved all of you so much he didn't want to lose any of you. On judgement day you will be able to stand, because you believed in Him. He went to the cross and took our judgement day early. If you really believe this and you won't lose your footing on judgement day, then you won't lose your footing now. When you are criticized or when you are wronged, now... If you don't believe this, then you will lose your footing, you'll become hard, critical, bitter, maybe even evil. If you don't know if you believe this in your heart, if you think you believe it in your head, but not your heart, there is a comfort.

Look at Peter - after three years of hearing the gospel from Jesus, at a key moment Peter takes his sword and attacks. Christ goes over the gospel for him again... Father-Cup-Father... Christ shows unyielding love and no amount of pain will stop Jesus Christ from saving us, no amount of stupidity will stiop Jesus Christ from saving us, and no amount of daily failure will stop Jesus Christ from saving us.

Sorry for all the paraphrasing! That last part really was a comfort to me.

Mrs. Williams

What I first noticed about her was that she was sitting in a wheelchair. She didn't seem to be any different from the other elderly white women I've seen waiting to board the plane over the past year. But when she reached out with a smile to touch the gate agent's elbow as he took her boarding pass and he bent down to hug her in response, I was surprised. He took the time to speak with her -- in fact, it was clear he cared about her. I thought the interaction between them said more about him than her, but I was wrong.

Alvin invited me to go ahead of him before he pushed her wheelchair down the ramp - I had effectively forgotten her by the time I settled into my seat. I'd buckled myself into the middle seat on the second row and buried my nose in my book before I noticed her again. This time it was because she was standing at the end of my row and asking if she could sit in the seat next to me. Inwardly a small part of me sighed because I had been looking forward to sitting in the middle and not sharing my row with anyone. But I didn't really begrudge her the seat and I moved down - she was apologizing the whole time I was moving things. She explained to me with a laugh that this was her "lucky seat" and she sat in it every time she went to Houston. As soon as I really looked at her, I knew she was not well. Her thinning, white hair was cropped short, stylish, close to her head. Her skin had a sallow tinge to it and her cheeks were sunken. She was dressed nicely with simple jewelry, not overdone. I don't remember what I said, something appropriately polite, no doubt.

While we waited for the plane to taxi, I learned she traveled every Thursday morning to M.D. Anderson in Houston for her chemotherapy. And back to Jackson every Thursday evening. Only this morning her appointment was on a Monday and she only recognized one other regular traveler. I saw her lean forward to get the attention of the lady in front of us and her smile transformed her face. It was one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen. I think I fell in love with her then. Her cancer can't be cured - in 2004 the doctors in Jackson sent her to hospice to die, but she decided to live. Her husband is in the nursing home at the VA since he suffered a debilitating stroke a few months before she was diagnosed. So she goes to M.D. Anderson every week because she wants to live as long as she can. She was matter of fact about this and told me, "If the Lord wanted me to die, I would have been gone long before now. " She lives in her granddaughter's travel trailer in Byram- it's the perfect size for her, she can move from the bed to the chair easily. She has a tv and plenty of food. Her son picks her up at the Houston airport every week -- she would be happy taking the M.D. Anderson shuttle, but he refuses to let her do that. He want's to go with her to the doctor every week. Whenever her flight back is delayed, he would strip down to be able to go through security with her, but she doesn't let him do that. She's fine, she has her puzzle book and there are plenty of people to visit with--time passes and he could be at home by the time she got through security.

She relayed all of this to me without a bit of self-pity. She didn't invite pity, either. She was at peace. Before the trip was over, I understood why Alvin hugged her because I wanted to hug her, too. Instead, I settled for rubbing her back and telling her I hoped her day went well. She gave me one of those smiles in return.

I hope I see her again - because I probably will hug her then.

Men

Men. I like men.



The other day I was driving and I saw a man on his bike at the corner, waiting for the light to change. No, it's not what you think! This man was a NICE man. I know this because there was an older lady sitting on the wall at the corner. She had a cane and a big bag and the man was talking to her. Of course, I don't know what they were talking about, but I have decided he was making sure she was okay. He must have stopped riding his bike at the corner and noticed her. I think he spoke to her to see how she was doing and to see if she needed any help. Because the light changed and he kept talking to her for a while before he rode off. I liked that.

I think I have posted something like this in the past... at least I'm consistent!

Addendum:

This evening, on the way home, I was trying to put my suitcase in the overhead compartment but it wouldn't fit. I asked the stewardess if my bin was smaller than usual (I was still trying to put the suitcase in the bin as I asked - so my suitcase was at head level) and suddenly an older gentleman who was a little further down the aisle plucked my suitcase out of my hands. Just took it without saying a word and stuffed it into the bin a row back. It startled me a little but I expressed my gratitude.

Now some women might not like what he did, but not me. I think that was nice of him. He just reached out and effortlessly stuffed my heavy bag in a bin for me. And when we landed, he went back there and got it out for me.

Hotels

Okay, this may be mundane to a lot of people, but not to me since I spend most of my week in a hotel. I have found a new hotel! It's a suite, has a great bed, a sitting area with a comfortable couch, a desk and a FULL kitchen!! I can cook in this hotel room if I want to! I was very excited to find this place -- and it's located smack dab in the middle of lots of neat stores. Sam's Club, Home Depot, Bed, Bath and Beyond, HEB... You name it and it's probably around here. They served a light supper in the main office tonight and there is complimentary breakfast every morning. AND it's a good price per night. I like it.

Travel these days requires one to know the system. Otherwise, you're at the mercy of the airlines. Today my flight from Jackson to Houston couldn't land. We circled until we ran low on fuel and then they diverted us to Dallas. Once in Dallas, they were re-fueling the plane and then flying back to Houston. I had a choice, stay on the plane, fly to Houston and then catch a connecting flight to Austin OR catch a connecting flight to Austin from Dallas. There were so many people in a tizzy, talking ugly to the gate agents... It was ridiculous.

I called the airline on my cell phone while I was still on the plane and asked about the schedules out of Houston versus Austin. Ended up changing my schedule so I could take a flight to Austin from Dallas because I could get there earlier. It was a frustrating morning, but it would have been more so if I was one of those folks who stayed on the plane and went back to Houston because they didn't think they could get a flight out of Dallas.

I called the rental car place next to let them know that I would be late. The young man at the counter knows me and this week I got a free upgrade. How nice!

So, I'm thankful for the good things that happened to me today.

Headaches.... I've been plagued by them lately. I have one now and I'm about to close the computer up and lie down. But I wanted to post something here before I do.

Today I realized I possess something most of my peers will not ever have. Knowledge. Intimate, hands on, fluent understanding of the world inside a laboratory. When I look back at my life, I can only shake my head at the idea that God KNEW what I was going to be doing on this very day of my life. When I was a sophomore in college, I was accepted in nursing school--my whole educational goal up to that point had been nursing school. And because of a "fluke", my life's goal was changed in one summer's day. So I got a degree in Microbiology.

Then, because I didn't know what else to do, I went to graduate school to get my PhD in Microbiology. Five years later, feeling like an complete failure, I left with a Masters degree and took a temporary bench job in a clinical lab. Five years later, my application to Nurse Practitioner school wasn't accepted. (I'm persistant, you have to give me that. ) Two years later, I became the database administrator for the clinical lab.

A year and a half ago I became a consultant who configures laboratory databases for clinical labs. Two weeks ago I was certain my career was in jepardy and my life would end in the poor house since I didn't have a computer programming background. It's not my strong point. I also was certain that my strengths wouldn't be valuable in a few years time.

So back when I was a sophomore in college, God knew that TODAY I would be able to see His hand in my life. Because I can go into a meeting with a group of lab people, listen to them describe how their lab works and translate it into a laboratory configuration for them. The first time I hear it.

God is funny, sometimes.

Red Velvet Cake Day

I sat in the sun for a couple of hours today reading a book and was content. I sat with a friend during a crisis last night and was content.

And yet, somehow, where I'm not willing to look right now, is a sense of worry. Anxiety. Distress. Nagging wrongness. Is it me? Is it my circumstances? Is it sin? Is it pain? Is it real? I don't know. I think it's probably not real. Oh, the feeling is real. But whatever it's about is probably not. So today I sat in the sun.... and ate red velvet cake. And watched 6 hours of Lost. *laugh*

Heart and Mind

I am full of thinking today. Big thoughts, little thoughts, middling thoughts... Full of them. Most of them are good, worth giving time to, worth sitting with for a while.

Have you ever had to face your limitations? You know, accept that you aren't good at something which may have lasting consequences on your life? A friend of mine put it this way, it's as though you're an early settler trying to survive in the wilderness and you suddenly realize you're a bad shot with a rifle and winter is coming on. Oh, shit! What am I going to do for food? Talk about consequences.

But that's just a middling thought now - a middling feeling. Not nearly as all consuming as it was earlier this week. Mostly because I have experienced reality today which reduced the power fear had on me... somewhat. And because I am feeling loved. I believe there is nothing better than to know and feel that one is Loved. It is good to be loved by imperfect human love, by imperfect loving people. OF COURSE it goes without saying, being Loved by God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit is even better. But how can we understand His love for us without experiencing the imperfect love of other sinners? I don't know--I'm sure some intellectual somewhere would say I have it backwards. Pfffft! Who cares?? I am grateful God allows me to experience the love of others so I can better understand how it feels when He loves me. The point is He. Loves. Me. He cares that I was freaking out this week. He cares about whether I can trust Him to define my value. He cares enough to be involved in my sanctification, not just my salvation.

Over a year later...

So... where did the time go?

Get a new job, start traveling week to week, home only on the weekends and suddenly time, personal time becomes much more precious. Subsequently what I chose to spend it on became more important. Time for relationships, being deliberate in maintaining my relationships--that became important. Time spent at home, sleeping in my bed, eating in my kitchen, sitting in my recliner, loving on my dog -- that became life-giving.

Yet, until recently, time for my relationship with God was not something I sought out - or, I must admit, not much. Even now I don't feel guilty about it, just a little sad about the loss of opportunity. Recently I discovered (again) Tim Keller and have been listening to his sermons online. I must still be a christian (laugh) because listening to him talk about the Prodigal Sons and the love of the Father for them was pure joy. Real Food. Listening to him talk 0f how christianity brings about life-transformation (freedom from sin, freedom from addictions) was pure hope to me. I am looking forward to the next one.

Things I am thankful for - my friends who continue to seek me out, my counselor, my house, my sister, my job, my life. My singleness. Yes, even that, because I'd might not have any of the rest of it if I were not single. Today I went to lunch with Barbara Linn -- she surprised me with a lunch party including Bewey and another friend. How much fun it was to be on the recieving end of someone caring for me. Tonight for the first time in months, Bewey called me to make sure I was okay and there wasn't a hint of reproach about not going to church in a month. That was a gift.

Friday Night

I've splent a pleasant day at home today. I love working at home! I was able to work a couple of hours this morning, sitting at my desk. Honey would come up to me occassionally and ask to be petted, I obliged of course. It was cool this morning, so I really enjoyed my cup of hot chocolate... I left to have lunch with some work friends and then came back to work some more. While I was earning my pay today, I was also spending it. I had a security system put in this afternoon. I must admit to FEELING more secure now.

Which is a little ironic to me, since I know full well that my life and well being is in the hands of God. None the less, I still like knowing that if I press a button, my house is armed. Isn't that a funny statement? My house is armed? Watch out! My house is armed! Humph.

I have the tv on now and I'm in my pajamas snugged up underneath a fuzzy blanket, because it's chilly. I wish I had some company, but I'm not unhappy being alone. A little bored, I guess. I am looking forward to tomorrow night because Curt and John are coming over to hang out with me and look at pictures. I miss hanging out with people I enjoy. I feel like I haven't been able to do that in a long time.

Wednesday night was a good bible study night for the women's Circle. I talked about having peace with God. I asked them what did that mean? To have peace with God? To go from knowing you are sinful, deserving of hell. To feel shame, fear, pain, gut wrenching guilt, never being able to fix it... To be aware of the reality of that in yourself and then know that you can approach God freely. That God loves you. And you love Him. Forgiveness. Joy. Acceptance. Reconciliation... Peace with God. I can't grasp it. I glimpse it, but I can't grasp it and I certainly can't hold on to it.

But tonight is quiet and I am safe. And loved... and the One who loves me best is here with me.

I wanted to post a few more pictures... These are from New Zealand.

More from Oz

Although I am now home, I still want to post this last letter from New Zealand to keep the record going. I doubt I'm going to write anymore about the trip here, but I do want to write something. This is a picture of the Kaikoura coastline--where the mountains meet the sea...



Hello all!

We are in Kaikoura , New Zealand tonight! It is cold and rainy but we are snugged up tight in our little house on wheels. We’ve just finished a meal of soup and salad, both unique in their own way, not your typical American soup and salad but enjoyable none the less. Both of us have gotten some sort of throat thing so we have taken it easy this afternoon. I was tired after driving a STICK SHIFT on the wrong side of wet pavement up and down twisty mountain roads. Gorges and gulches and rolling hills and oceans on the sides. It is beautiful here! And we are getting to see it with clouds hanging on the tops of the hills. The trees and flowers are blooming and it is simply gorgeous. AB notices the plants everywhere we go! She sees them before she sees the mountains which are what my eyes go to first.

Everyone is so friendly and warm, AB says it’s like going back in time. She also says it reminds her of Hawaii . She is a real trooper, showering in open air bathrooms and sleeping up top in the camper. She won’t let me sleep up there…

We had lunch at a quaint little café in a small town called Cheviot, the ladies were wonderful… but they don’t tip here (or in Australia) so when we left a $2 tip on the table, the waitress came after us saying we had forgotten our two dollars. She kept it quick enough when we explained it was a tip, though.

I think we are having a grand adventure. We are going to stay here for a little while and look around. There is a seal colony down the road and whale watching at the local winery. Which we are going to visit tomorrow and maybe taste some NZ wines. The weather is supposed to clear up a bit.

We’ve seen a variety of animals, sheep and cows, but surprisingly, elk as well. Elk! In herds! And llamas! And really cool birds—crows with white t-shirts on, seagulls with red feet... The hills are covered with vineyards, too. It is a lovely, lovely place. I like it better than Australia . Aunt Barbara likes it different, not better.

I have to say a little bit about the campervan here. It is a diesel (which costs $1.03 NZ/liter) truck, about 15 feet long and tall enough that we have to climb into it. It’s bigger than I thought it would be. It’s a stick shift, but the shift is on the left side, so I’m having to change gears with my left hand. That has taken some getting used to, but thankfully the blinker is on the left side so I’m not turning on the windshield wipers with every turn! I have to admit that I’m proud of myself for being able to drive the thing at all! The very first night in Christchurch we checked into the nearest Holiday Park and I had to back the van into the spot between two campervans already parked. I did it on the very first try!! I didn’t give myself a chance to think about it and get scared. I backed it into the spot today, too. It’s got great mirrors! I’ve only run over the curb on the left side when I’ve been turning about 4 times… I think that’s pretty good, myself. Could be worse… It’s got a heater that runs on electric, so we are staying warm, except for when we have to run between the raindrops to the bathroom.

Well, I guess that’s all for now…

Uncle Joe, Aunt Barbara says, “I love you!”. We are doing fine and feel very safe in NZ.

Love!
Lisa and Barbara