Weakness

One of my weaknesses is self control... Apparently I have none. Especially when it comes to controlling my diet. I will do okay for a few days and then--WHAM!!--I blow it. I am a smart girl, I am one of the most capable people I know... LOL! This lack of self-discipline is hard for me to swallow. I HATE it. I feel like I'm peering through the trees at a possible future that I just can't quite reach because of my own short comings. Makes me want to cuss and quit. Or quit and cuss.

I'm not at the stubborn, I'll-show-you-or-die stage yet. I'm not pleasant when I get that stubborn. I think I better hurry up and get there so I can do this, though.

Details of Life

Yesterday my family came and we celebrated the 4th of July at my house. We had barbecued ribs and chicken, potato salad, green salad, fruit salad, baked beans, grilled corn, rolls, blueberry pie with icecream and chocolate cream pie. Whew! I'm still full. It was a lot of fun! We told stories on each other and everyone gave as good as they got. Jeannie, Chad, Linda, Uncle Joe, Aunt Barbara, Mama, Susanne, Lauren and me... Bunch of BIG personalities! I wonder why the two men stayed outside most of the time??

Aunt Barbara is going with me to Australia and New Zealand in September! Yay!!! I have a traveling companion! And I'm going to finish up the details of my new job next week--how much money, when to work, etc.

This weekend we are going to Mama's house and picking out the stuff we want to keep in each of our houses. Then we are going to sell the rest and Jeannie and Chad will have an empty house to rent when they buy it.

My Honey dog damaged her knee joint a couple of weeks ago and we have put her on house arrest, so to speak. Talk about a sulky dog... She stands at the door and looks out longingly until we make her lie down. It's amusing to see her pout, especially when Linda disciplines her--Linda NEVER makes her do anything.

I am so happy with the changes in my life. Thank you, Lord.

All I can say is Wow...

I turned in my resignation at work on Friday.

I am feeling a little bit (just a little) anxious at the thought of leaving the known part of my life for the unknown. I've been at the same job for 13 years..That's a long tme. My heart still desires to serve the public health, but my brain knows that won't be possible in the current administration. It is past time to get out of the sinking ship.

On the other hand, I am very excited about the opportunity I've been given. Thank you, God. I'm tired of working for nothing and being unappreciated for my efforts. I decided to leave though, because of what was best for me. Future, here I come! And...I'm gonna get me a bug convertible someday...

The Path Behind

I don't know where this journey will take me, the path curves ahead and I'm not able to see very far into the distance. I know where I've come from and I don't want to go back. I know where I am and I don't want to stay. That leaves one option open to me...move ahead. I am not bothered that where I am headed is not visible to me. I am thankful for the peace which has come in the wake of my decision. I can only remember this same peace one other time, when I finally decided to quit graduate school, save this decision was not as painfully reached!

Some would say that looking backward has no benefit, but I would disagree. Remembering the path I've traveled to arrive where I am helps me to see God. Without the pain I've felt from the situation at church, without the struggles I've had at work, without the discontent in my life I would not be willing to make this change. Oh, the mysterious ways of the Lord! I do not deserve this good thing. I never have and never will DESERVE the blessings He has given me, either materially or spiritually. But how wonderful that He doesn't dole out blessings based on our merit! And I think for the first time I am experiencing His faithfulness during a period of my life when I have questioned Him, been angry with Him and perhaps even tested Him. My relationship with Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit is just that---a relationship. I am actually encouraged that I have been (am?) in a place where my emotions toward Him have been passionately engaged at times. Even if those emotions weren't always comfortable. I am so glad I have lived long enough to have a path behind!

Dread

More and more I've started dreading going to work. I find myself getting there 15 to 20 minutes late consistently. I'm staying up too late tonight because I don't want to go to sleep and then wake up and go to work. Sigh.

I've got things to take care of at home, too. I need to call the cleaning service to come to the house this week. I need to cut the yard. I need to get a new refrigerator. I need to wash clothes. Too much to do.

I'm ready for the change to happen now. I'm ready to get it done. Transition and waiting periods are not my strong suite.

Change

I don't know what the next few months will bring but I think changes are coming. For the first time I can remember I'm thinking I need to change jobs. I even have an idea of what I could pursue. There will be changes in the ownership of my family's farm which will benefit us all. I want to make changes to my body. I am hopeful that will happen, too. I believe I will probably change churches this year if things remain the same there.

Change is coming. I feel it. And I'm glad. I'm ready for it.

Rings

Whenever I go on a trip somewhere, I usually buy a ring. I'm not sure how it started, but I have gained a collection of rings from my travels. On my first trip to Peru, I acquired a silver cross ring. I bought a silver ring with black chips on one of our trips to the VA hospital when my father was dying. I wore it on my thumb during the rest of his illness. On a trip to North Carolina, I fell for a ring made of twisted copper strands. On a trip to Tennessee I found a silver plated ring with a blue gemstone surrounded by cubic zirconium stones. On my most recent trip to Yellowstone in Montana I brought home a thin silver band decorated with triangles and circles. I'm wearing it on my left thumb now... I like to wear it because it reminds me of the power and immensity of God I saw. Because I was reminded then that the God who created those amazing mountains, who painted the sunsets in the evenings, who wrought the rivers and streams, He who brought new life---this same God is MY Lord. He is bigger than the problems I face at work. If He could handle all of creation, then He is more than capable of taking care of me.

I love that this ring has already put it's mark on me.

Broken things

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I've had a lot of things to break on me this year... Toilet innards, water line for the toilet, sewage backed up into the toilet and over flowed one weekend, hot water heater, outside freezer, airconditioning unit, dryer, truck (which had to be towed), and my refrigerator. I've spent lots of money to get those things fixed. More aggravating was the time and energy I had to use to take care of them, too. I resented that more than the money.

Even more consuming to me are the broken things at work. Lab administration--broken, still not fixed. And not fixable by me... LIMS project--broken and behind schedule. Not fixable by me either. Church--broken. Not fixable by me.

I have spent an incredible amount of energy trying to fix things in my life this past year. And the only things I've been able to change were the things that just took money to fix. The other efforts have led me to a place where I don't even want to try to make them better. Im my inner most self I am exhausted. Jaded. Suspicious of peoples motives. Gaurded. Ready to dismiss.

Where does God fit into all this? My head says He is in control and good to me. And I know without a doubt that if I died, I'd go to heaven because of Jesus. I believe that. But isn't there supposed to be more? Where is the joy in my salvation? Where is the peace that passes understanding? Where is the desire to be obedient above all things? Where are the fruits of the Spirit? Where is the living by faith? Where is the fellowship of the saints?

I don't know. I'd like to blame someone or something. I'll even go so far as to say the some of it is my responsibility. Maybe a good bit of it. My next thought is, 'What am I going to do to fix it?'

Nothing ...it's going to stay broken for awhile.

After a long absence

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Well, finally I have been able to recover the password to my blog--I'm so glad I didn't have to start another one.

It's a Friday night, I'm at home with the tv on---Linda is picking up chinese for supper and I'm settled in for the evening. Tomorrow will be a full day, working on the refrigerator, mowing the grass, washing clothes, getting my bible study ready for next week... and then it will be Sunday and I have to go to church. It's terrible when you feel like you HAVE to go to church rather than WANT to go to church. But...that's where I am now. Bleeck.

I wish I could say that work stress has lessened in the last few months I've not been able to write, but it hasn't. It is the same, worse at times, but I think I must be becoming numb to it. I need some outside interests!! I've got to give myself something to look forward to besides watching tv and reading. I've discovered an unfortunate vice--the bodice ripper novel. I used to be contemptuous of those women who read those novels... and yet, here I am. Of course, the one's I read are of a higher caliber than the ones the general populace read... Uh-huh. Actually, I go through phases. I'll read them for a week and then go months without touching them. I've decided the attraction is vicariously living the fantasy of being taken care of--cause you know those things always have a damsel in distress and the strong, handsome man comes along, decides she's the one and takes care of her problem. Sigh... Oh, to have that happen....

However, today I decided that I don't trust anyone to make decisions for me, that there are very few people who I even listen to without question. So I wouldn't make a good distressed damsel anyway... Since I'd probably end up driving him away with my resistance to being taken care of... LOL! Sigh, I guess that's why they are called fantasies.

I still think I would make a good wife, regardless... LOL! I guess it's a positive thing I think that about myself, someone should... LOL!

Well, I'm going to end this now... before I say something I'll really regret.

Illness

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I have been sick this week with a stomach bug, nausea, diarrhea, fever--nasty stuff. I stayed home from work yesterday and it was a MISERABLE day, I couldn't get warm, my insides were distinctly unhappy-- I haven't eaten hardly anything in two days. Not hungry yet, either.

I need my back sink to be fixed before the refinance loan will go through, it's something I could do myself, but I'm still weak and ill enough to not want to deal with it. I've called a plumber and I need them to come this morning and fix it. For the appraiser will have to come back out here to say that it's been done. It's aggravating. That bathroom is slated to be refurbished anyway--why would they hold up a loan for faucet replacement? Sigh.

I need to get out and get some things this morning, but the idea of getting dressed and moving around is more than I can stand.

Grief

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I'm a long way from my childhood and have been for awhile. Realistically I was probably a long way from my childhood when I was in it. Nonetheless, I am grieving a loss from what security and childhood I had. My mother is going to move into a retirement community. She is really going to do it. And in the process, the home I grew up in will be no more. I have my own house and home that I love. But Mama and Daddy's house and my Home was always there, always available when I wanted to be there. My home and family were imperfect and there are many things that were painful. But these days, when I am so conscious of my aloneness in life, I remember living with Mama and Daddy and my sisters. I remember noise and laughter. I remember cooking and working with my sisters (not always peacefully), turning the music on and singing together until we were finished. I remember long summer days spent sitting on the porch shelling peas and butterbeans, snapping string beans. Working under the shade trees shucking and silking sweet corn. Fighting over who got the wishbone at Sunday lunch. Driving the car to and from church before I had my drivers license. Watching tv together, having favorite shows we waited for every week. Taking turns sleeping in the same bed with my sisters, knowing that Jeannie would steal the covers and Linda would talk in her sleep. Standing outside in the complete darkness of a moonless night and seeing the yellow light spill from the windows of my house onto the ground. The sound of my family's voices carried on the night air through the window screens until someone would finally ask, "Where's Lisa?" Knowing that if I didn't go in, Mama would send Jeannie or Linda to find me.

I'm afraid I won't ever know those kinds of simple joys again. The joys of a family.

When Mama closes up the house I won't be able to go Home again, either. Even now tears of loss well up in my eyes and my grief is a hard lump in my throat.

On Sunday Joel and I are singing a duet and I've been thinking about the words of our song this week.

"Dear refuge of my weary soul, on Thee my sorrows roll..."

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I need a crying jag. I almost got one tonight watching the last half of a movie called "The Bridges of Madison County". I've avoided that movie for years because I objected to a story of adultery having such acclaim. It was my "rational" observation that if she had not committed adultery, she wouldn't have had to endure such pain in her life. I don't like it that her "right" decision was something that caused her such heart wrenching despair.

Regardless, my emotions vibrated to the pain of her loss and I sobbed as if it were my own heartbreak. One thing I have learned if nothing else. Pain will not kill me. As much as I resist it and hate it, I know I will live through it and get to the other side. And even though those statements are filled with "I", credit for my knowledge belongs to God and the Holy Spirit. 'Cause Lord knows I'd mess it up if it were all up to me.

Blackness

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Yesterday I was in a black mood. Angry at everyone for anything. Black, Black, Black. Hateful, even. I think the first time I smiled the whole day was during the offertory and I visualized one of the deacons in a Santa Claus suit. He would make a great Santa! Of course this was the same man who sat beside me during Sunday School making throat clearing-grunting noises that rumbled. The. Entire. Time. The same man I had to force myself to keep from turning to and saying..."Will you shut up or move somewhere else? You are driving me crazy!!" Sigh. I can only imagine the shock if I had done what I wanted to do.

Blackness. Aloneness. Hell.

That's what I felt like yesterday. Jeff asked us in SS what summed hell up---I answered him. "Aloneness." I feel all too familiar with it. I was in tears after that question. Unnoticed. If saved aloneness feels this awful--how terrible is damned aloneness? Unfathomable.

And what is my answer? Where...or better yet... How can I not feel alone? Oh, I know the right answers--read my bible, pray, get up and DO something.... Honestly, I don't think those things fix my problem of aloneness. Yes, I know God is with me, now--right now, always. It doesn't make me feel better. Yes, I know His will is good and perfect, always. It doesn't make me feel better. Yes, I know I am used by Him, that I have a purpose. It doesn't make me not feel alone when I AM alone. When I could go days without talking to anyone I don't call first. When I could go days without seeing anyone and not be missed. When I can have an emotional heartbreak and no but me knows. When I want to be around people and NO ONE is available.

And what do I do? I can't exactly demand that people be available for me. I can't go to the church and say... "Hey! I'm feeling alone and lonely. Make time for me! More than that, make me a part of your life!! Care about me!!!" Nope, can't do that. I've evaluated how I feel because it's important to me that my emotions are healthy emotions. And my wants healthy wants. If I thought that my feeling alone was from a completely dysfunctional source I would try to nip it in the bud and move on. But I don't think it is. I don't want to leach on to someone or have them make me feel better about myself. I don't want to be Alone.

Then comes the self loathing. Yuck. It must be something wrong with me. It must be a lack of mine... I'm not loveable. I'm not attractive. I'm not ... something... and worse... I never will be. This is to be my life from here on out. Worthless. Purposeless. Meaningless. Alone. Blackness.

But not hell. If that is all I have to grasp onto right now, then so be it. I don't have any answers. I don't know anything else to do other than to keep slogging on. I don't know How to not feel alone. I don't know Where I can find people who will invite me in their lives. I doubt anyone does.

So I guess I learn to live with it. And make choices that are good for me. Alone.

Friday, but it feels like Saturday!

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Its Saturday for me! Because I am off this day and free from having to go to work. And I am so thankful for this break, I have needed it. Shortly I will wake my friend Sarah and we'll go to breakfast somewhere. Then I will drive her to meet her mother and I'm looking forward to driving in my car... and a song just ran through my head as I typed that. I don't know what else I will do today. Stuff! Whatever I want to do! Nothing. Everything!

Wasted my time and money on a loser movie last night.... the positive side? Now I know it was a loser movie and I don't have to wonder if I missed out on anything. For I know it was a loser movie.

And I'm longing for something I don't have this morning. It's that nameless craving that comes upon me regularly. It's better when it's not here--this longing for something, the desire to reach out my hands for that...undescribed, unexperienced... something... Sometimes I think it is wanting the void of not having a lover and companion to be filled. Sometimes I think it's the desire to bear and nurture a child of my own body. Sometimes I think it's the lack of purpose/fulfillment in my life---why am I here exactly? Other than to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever"--what is the practical purpose for my being here? Sometimes I think it's general dissatisfaction with myself and the life I lead, for if I could choose the life for myself, it would not look like this. From my weight to the lack of a family. And always whispering in the ear of my conciousness is my own voice telling me that if I were a better, stronger person, I could be different.

I have a feeling I'm in for one of those bad periods of time when I have to deal with all of that. However, at this point, I already know that it won't last and I'll be able to see the positive things about my life and enjoy who I am again. I just wish I could stay there and the un-named and unknown longings would stay away.

But today is my Saturday and it's time to wake Sarah!! So I'll put the dealing with it off for a while longer.

Drama and other Crap

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Sigh. Well, last week was a bust. I felt like enemy number one and all because the lab folks are feeling threatened as I bring their lab online. Big, Big Stink Insued. My direct supervisor had to go and deal with the situation--before he left to go talk to Sammie and Degina he said, "Man! I got divorced so I wouldn't have to deal with women!" I laughed at him and told him then he shouldn't supervise them either.

But in all seriousness, I was very distressed over Sammie's response the to the situation because she turned on me. But Curt reminded me that they weren't really reacting to me personally, but that they were threatened and were trying to turn the heat down on themselves by turning it on me. And that God wouldn't have put me in this situation if I wasn't strong enough to handle it. But I was still distressed and then on Saturday the combination of lack of sleep, stress and my mom came together to make me more ill-tempered than I can remember being in a LONG time. So much so that I actually used the "F" word in front of my mom when I was talking to her. I have never done that before and at the time didn't care! Later on that day after I'd gotten less ill-tempered, but not yet even tempered, she irritated me and I said to her--"Why are you aggravating me? Don't you know I'm not doing well today? Didn't you hear me use the "F" word earlier this morning???" She raised her eyebrows at me. "Yes, I remember you did that--and did you notice that I didn't say anything at the time???" I had to laugh. She was all proud of herself for not taking me to task for my foul language. She followed that up by saying, "You shouldn't talk like that!" Made me laugh again and shake my head at her.

I got a response from Dean about meeting with the elders--

"Lisa;

Since you addressed your "strenuous objections" to me
personally, rather than to the session of North Park Presbyterian Church, I will provide a written Scriptural response to your concerns.

It is my purpose to bring peaceful understanding and loving and
truth communication to bear on this matter.

Hope this helps."

I think he is a coward. But I don't care one way or the other. I'll just wait and see what he has to say--if I ever get anything!

Tonight I worked until 8:30pm---too long of a day!!! But it was necessary because of this important milestone we need to get done tomorrow. I'm taking Friday off!! And I am going to be intentional in my relaxation and enjoyment of the weekend.

Mid Week

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Well, I heard from Dean today--He sent me an email saying that if I was willing, he would like to get together with me. That he believed deep theological discussions should take place face to face. I sent him an email in return, again copied to the elders, stating that I was willing to meet with him and some other (plural) elders. I haven't heard back from him since then. Although I did see one of the elders today and said in a light hearted voice, "Hey, Joe! You want to go with me to talk to Dean?" He smiled quietly and nodded. "Yeah!" I'm so glad I know I'm not stepping out on a limb.

I am being told the loan to refinance my house is going through! That makes me feel great relief. Whew. I am thankful for this turn of events.

You know, I truly believe that children are wonderful little creatures. I had to stop at Fred's this evening before I went home. Nothing fun happened today, I don't remember laughing, really laughing all day long. But while in line to check out, I'd just gotten up to the counter and put my stuff down when this little girl (probably between 6-7 years old)walked up behind me and decisively slapped a bag of chips down on the counter. I don't know why but that tickled me, so I smiled at her mother and looked down at the child as I asked her... "You giving me that to buy?" I tapped the chips as I spoke. She grabbed those chips faster than anything. "No!" Her mother laughed. I laughed. Then as I was leaving she slapped those chips back up on the counter making me giggle. I told her mom, "She's going to have a nice bag of crumbs by the time she's done!" Her mom agreed smilingly, but the little girl was like, "Uh-unh!" It was a fun interaction. Then when I opened the door to leave Freds, the door swung outward, I nearly took out a four year old boy. He was trotting down the sidewalk in line with the door as it opened. I exclaimed something like, "Oh my goodness!" His father was yelling for him to come back and I just started laughing again, cause the child was hardheaded and obeyed in his own sweet time. I looked at his dad, still a little horrified at what "could" have happened if I'd hit him with the glass door. The dad acknowledged my "what if" look by saying, "I don't even know if it would have stopped him!"

Children! And yet tonight Mama and I were talking about how we wished my sister would reconsider the idea of having children. Not that we have to worry about anything now, seeing that she's not pregnant.

Boldness? Courage? Or something else?

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I sent an email to my pastor today about his sermon this past Sunday morning. I sent a copy of it to all the elders on the Session. One person I respect said that it took a lot of guts to do what I did. Funny. I did more thinking about how to say what I did than whether to say it. I've gotten a belly full, is all.

Here's what I said:

"Dean;

I have some objections to your sermon last Sunday morning that I would like to address.

1. I think you used the scripture passage inappropriately. You used Jesus' statement "...Let us go to another town to preach, for that is why I came out…" as a basis for saying that Jesus' primary reason for coming to earth was to preach the gospel. I do not see how that statement can be used as a support for your stance. It seems obvious to me that Jesus had "come out" to pray early in the morning. I think it is a stretch to use it as a basis for His coming to earth.

2. You stated that Jesus' primary purpose in life was to preach the gospel. I object to that statement strenuously! Jesus' primary purpose was to save us from our sins by living a perfect life, atoning for our sins, and rising from the dead. I know you understand this already. However, I object to you saying that His primary purpose in life was to preach the gospel for a couple of reasons:
a. It's incorrect.
b. There are people in our congregation who are young in their faith and not as able to distinguish between an act of Jesus' ministry and His purpose in coming.

3. It is my opinion you used your point to make a legalistic application—if preaching the gospel were Jesus' primary purpose in life, so should it be our primary purpose in life. I object to this application. My primary purpose in life is not to preach the gospel, rather to serve the Lord in all ways out of gratitude for my salvation.

4. I object to the speculations you made as to the content of Jesus' prayer, because I do not think they were based on the scripture passage or any other biblical account of Jesus' prayers.

5. I object to the fact that you emphasized how the leper disobeyed Christ in telling others about his healing; that he sinned in his disobedience. You ignored an opportunity to use the cleansing of the leper to illustrate the power of Christ to cleanse us from our sins."

I will be curious to see what kind of response I get. The thing is that I know I'm not the only one who felt this way. Thank goodness! At least I'm not out there on my own.

On another note, my mom is back at my house after having been at my sister's house and then back here for some doctor's appointments. I don't know when she is leaving but I know it won't be tomorrow. Makes me laugh because I'm just letting her do what she wants to do. I just can't worry about it--as long as she gives me my space at night we're doing okay. So far so good, but it's day one. No, she isn't that bad--she's gotten better able to just "be" around me instead of trying to remake me in her mold.

So I don't know if what I did today was really courage or not... it could have been just plain ole cussidness.

It's a good thing...

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It's a good thing I had a refreshing weekend. 'Cause it was sandwiched between two difficult weeks.

Recap of last week:

• Monday-an elder at church lied to me, I found him out in the lie, stewed over it all day, called him, made him admit he'd misled me and apologize for it.
• Tuesday-confrontation at work with one of the lab supervisors; more fallout from the elder/church situation; worked a 12 hour day, with no lunch or breaks.
• Wednesday-Decide getting a car is not the route to take to address my financial crisis. Find out enough people were upset over the church situation that they made some noise and "things" will be okay. Worked an 11 hour day.
• Thursday-Decide I need to refinance my house to address my financial situation
• Friday-Worked a 12 hour day.

This week's recap:

• Monday-Not so bad, fairly decent
• Tuesday-Another run in with the same lab supervisor; had to ask two lab techs (who work for the aforementioned supervisor) to leave a meeting because they were angry, frustrated, antagonistic, defensive, aggressive and uncooperative. After about an hour of trying to help them understand the purpose of the meeting I had enough. I looked at them and said, "Okay, well, I'm going to ask y'all to do me a favor and step out." They left and things went forward from there. And top that off with not feeling well physically--pain and impatience!
• Wednesday-worked a 10 hour day, came home and worked three more hours online; felt like my supervisor was losing patience with my frustration over the lack of help from the IT staff. Still not feeling well physically--in pain and no patience.
• Thursday-Did a demo for the lab folks which went well. Experienced frustration because the same supervisor described extremely poor lab technique and didn't see the need to modify her workflow. She called later on to say that she had changed her mind, but I found out that was because her supervisor made her. Worked an 11 hour day.

So, I've got one day left to this week and I'm bushed! I want to be productive tomorrow but I already know that I'm going to be pulled in a hundred different directions.

And since I got absolutely nothing out of church on Sunday, I am feeling dry and hard. It amazes me how little I have left when so much of my resources are being used up and nothing is being put back in. I am more aware of this the older I get. I end up thinking, thank goodness I don't have a family I have to give to, as well.

I haven't whistled or hummed at work in a very long time. That means I'm not at peace, I think---course it could mean that I'm in cubical land and it's just not kosher to bust out whistling when everyone can hear it.

A good day!

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Today was a good day.

• It started with a cup of coffee and a bagel on a beautiful crisp morning!
• Then on the way to Jeannie's, I got a phone call from a friend I haven't talked to in a long while and took him into the grocery store and down the road a bit. Probably not as fun for him as for me since I was more distracted, but I enjoyed it.
• I spent the day with my mother, sister, brother-in-law, Uncle Joe and Aunt Barbara (without any arguments, I might add...). We visited at Jeannie's house in her backyard, grilled out, had a nice lunch, went shopping for shoes (the women), played Rook on the picnic table, had supper, reminisced about old times, laughed and talked. It felt like times I remember when I was a little girl and we'd get together with family. I really, really enjoyed it!
• I got two new pairs of SAS shoes--both of them gifts. Because only two pairs of my current shoes don't hurt my broken foot. So now I have two new pairs. My Aunt Barbara bought me one pair and my mother the other. What nice gifts.
• Mama, Jeannie and Aunt Barbara toured Wesley Manor---a retirement community. Mama's talking about moving there. Everyone thinks it's a good idea... Me? I don't care if that's what she wants, except I can't help her pay for it. So if Jeannie and Chad don't resent the fact that Linda and I can't help financially, then great. I think it's a wonderful place and Mama would like it.
• I won several hands of Rook with Uncle Joe as my partner! Whupped Jeannie and Chad's butt, for sure! It was so much fun to play with people who know the game and will play it well. Much fun! At least one of them taught me how to cheat when I was growing up.
• The drive home was long but now I'm here and I've got my feet up, Paula Dean on the TV and Mama in the chair next to me. And she's finally run out of words for the day, so it's quiet.

What a good day!!

Dreams

I am one of those people who remember my dreams... I even remember them in color.

Last night I dreamed I was riding a jetski along a swamp canal filled with man eating alligators. Big alligators. They would rise to the surface of the water and watch me menacingly as I passed by them. I had to keep my speed up or they would come after me. And I had to keep a good eye out for them so that I wouldn't run into them, because if I hit them the jetski would overturn and I'd die.

I've had this dream before, it's not one I enjoy.