I would like to go back to this place and gaze at this moon. I rented a convertible this weekend to play in just because I had HAD it with things and I wanted to do something fun. So I rented a convertible! I have enjoyed it very much. I bought my first sewing machine of my very own today because I need to do some hemming on things and I would rather do it myself than have someone else do my alterations. I was reminded of how much I know how to do today. I know how to sew, even though I haven't done it very much. How many women my age actually know how to thread a bobbin? Many of them do, let me rephrase that--how many single women my age who have to work for a living know how to thread a bobbin? I think the numbers would be less. How many know how to plant a garden and can vegetables or make pickles? How many know how to make homemade fried chicken and mashed potatoes? I haven't done those things in a long time, but I could if I wanted to. Lately, I've wanted to--but I do not have time.

There's a hummingbird outside my window, sipping nectar from my lantana flowers. It's a little female, not very pretty, but dainty and a joy to watch! This is the third time I've seen her. I'm glad she comes to visit me.

I've rented a storage unit to put some things in while I am in this selling and buying a house process. I will begin to put things in it soon... I'll probably hire someone to move a bunch of things out next weekend. Stuff! How did I get so much stuff?

I want to drive my convertible to that bluff and watch the stars. I'll have to settle for driving down the Natchez Trace tonight and listen to the frogs sing their croaky choruses.

I wonder sometimes if I am not just a little dull. Oh, I can be witty enough and I can regurgitate facts with the best of them, but take away surface interaction...how much depth is there? How much independent thinking do I exercise? Take away wilfulness, take away cleverness... how much depth of thought is there to me?

I wonder.

I'm reading a book titled 'Gilead', lent to me by a friend. It's this book that has caused me to ask of myself--do I have depth of thought and character? I like this book! It's a letter from a pastor father to his son when he finds out he is dying. Listen to this excerpt:

I really can't tell what is beautiful anymore. I passed two young fellows on the street the other day. I know who they are, they work at the garage. They're not churchgoing, either one of them, just decent rascally young fellows who have to be joking all the time, and there they were, propped against the garage wall in the sunshine, lighting up their cigarettes. They're always so black with grease and so strong with gasoline I don't know why they don't catch fire themselves. They were passing remarks back and forth the way they do and laughing that wicked way they have. And it seemed beautiful to me. It is an amazing thing to watch people laugh, the way it sort of takes them over. Sometimes they really do struggle with it. I see that in church often enough. So I wonder what it is and where it comes from, and I wonder what it expends out of your system, so that you have to do it till you're done, like crying in a way, I suppose, except that laughter is much more easily spent.

I liked that description of finding beauty in laughter very much! And the thought in this one made me pause and think for a while:

Now, this might seem a trivial thing to mention, considering the gravity of the subject, but I truly don't feel it is. We were very pious children from pious households in a fairly pious town, and this affected our behavior considerably. Once, we baptized a litter of cats. They were dusty little barn cats just steady on their legs, the kind of waifish creatures that live their anonymous lives keeping the mice down and have no interest in humans at all, except to avoid them. But the animals all seem to start out sociable, so we were always pleased to find new kittens prowling out of whatever cranny their mother had tried to hide them in, as ready to play as we were. It occurred to one of the girls to swaddle them up in a doll's dress--there was only one dress, which was just as well since the cats could hardly tolerate a moment in it and would have to have been unswaddled as soon as they were christened in any case. I myself moistened their brows, repeating the full Trinitarian formula.
Their grim old crooked-tail mother found us baptizing away by the creek and began carrying her babies off by the napes of their necks, one and then another. We lost track of which was which, but we were fairly sure that some of the creatures had been borne away still in the darkness of paganism, and that worried us a good deal. So finally I asked my father in the most offhand way imaginable what exactly would happen to a cat if one were to say, baptize it. He replied that the Sacraments must always be treated and regarded with the greatest respect. That wasn't really an answer to my question. We did respect the Sacraments, but we thought the whole world of those cats. I got his meaning though, and I did no more baptizing until I was ordained....
I still remember how those warm little brows felt under the palm of my hand. Everyone has petted a cat, but to touch one like that, with the pure intention of blessing it, is a very different thing. It stays in the mind. For years we would wonder what, from a cosmic viewpoint, we had done to them. It still seems to me to be a real question. There is a reality in blessing, which I take baptism to be, primarily. It doesn't enhance sacredness, but it acknowledges it, and there is power in that. I have felt it pass through me, so to speak. The sensation is of really feeling a creature, I mean really feeling its mysterious life and your mysterious life at the same time. I don't wish to be urging the ministry on you, but there are some advantages to it you might not know to take account of if I did not point them out. Not that you have to be a minister to confer blessing. You are simply much more likely to find yourself in that position. It's a thing people expect of you. I don't know why there is so little about this aspect of the calling in the literature.

Blessing others... Do I take the opportunities to bless as they are given to me? I want to think about this some more.

Saturday night

Today has been a day at home, spent in my pajamas, and I've been content, mostly. Probably because I've been hurting all day, taking Tylenol every three hours to head off the pain that has been coming regularly and I haven't felt like doing anything else. I've been wondering if menopause isn't that far off in the future for me, because I'm afraid that I'm experiencing symptoms of perimenopause now. Which makes the reality of me not having children (read family) even more concrete. It's one thing to deal with the idea of not having children if I'm still capable of bearing them. It's another to accept the death of that possibility when it is no longer a hope, because my body cannot.

I realize I'm not at that point yet, but it feels closer than it has before, and it is an eventuality I cannot escape. So tonight, me and my emotional self have watched chick flick movies in my pajamas and used up a lot of tissue. Finally, when I could stand the sea of hormones I was wallowing in no longer, I decided to rent an action film with a woman as the kick-butt-heroine. And DAMN if the plot wasn't about true love and the whole world depending on that relationship. AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

However... I saw my counselor/friend on Friday and came away with a pearl of great worth. I was telling him how sometimes I looked at my life and thought, "If I live to be 80, then my life is halfway over and what do I have to show for it relationally? I don't feel close to my blood family, I don't have a family... I have some deep friendships... but really, what do I have to show for my time on earth?" Here's the pearl... He said that biblically, God doesn't talk much about how much we are to accomplish relationally. That the bible is far more concerned with the individual and the importance of growing. Of choosing the right things, of responding to life as an individual. Growing one's self. I liked that and I want to hold on to that truth.

Questions

Is it a sin to pray that someone would die? Is it ever okay to wish that someone would die because you don't want someone you love to keep suffering?

Does it matter if the person is close to death anyway? What if they are abusive, hateful and filled with bitterness? A financial burden? A waste of air by human standards?

Does it matter if they aren't a Christian? That they have alienated everyone in their life?

Life would be easier if someone would die. I think God already knows that and knows that I would like for that person to die soon. Would it be wrong to pray for a swift end to the misery they bring to everyone they touch?

I don't think it would be wrong.

The motivation for such a prayer would be that my loved one wouldn't have to deal with an intolerable situation. Yet God uses such things for His own purposes. The suffering of loved ones is not without purpose or value. God gives each of us individually our portion of suffering because the end, the burning off of impurities, is more valuable than being happy in the short term. Should we pray away the suffering of those we love?

Why not? Jesus asked God to spare Him if it was God's will. It isn't wrong to ask the same for ourselves or the ones we love. The challenge is to accept His answer.

But I swear, if I were closer to the situation, I'd be praying really hard for someone to die soon.

Weakness

One of my weaknesses is self control... Apparently I have none. Especially when it comes to controlling my diet. I will do okay for a few days and then--WHAM!!--I blow it. I am a smart girl, I am one of the most capable people I know... LOL! This lack of self-discipline is hard for me to swallow. I HATE it. I feel like I'm peering through the trees at a possible future that I just can't quite reach because of my own short comings. Makes me want to cuss and quit. Or quit and cuss.

I'm not at the stubborn, I'll-show-you-or-die stage yet. I'm not pleasant when I get that stubborn. I think I better hurry up and get there so I can do this, though.

Details of Life

Yesterday my family came and we celebrated the 4th of July at my house. We had barbecued ribs and chicken, potato salad, green salad, fruit salad, baked beans, grilled corn, rolls, blueberry pie with icecream and chocolate cream pie. Whew! I'm still full. It was a lot of fun! We told stories on each other and everyone gave as good as they got. Jeannie, Chad, Linda, Uncle Joe, Aunt Barbara, Mama, Susanne, Lauren and me... Bunch of BIG personalities! I wonder why the two men stayed outside most of the time??

Aunt Barbara is going with me to Australia and New Zealand in September! Yay!!! I have a traveling companion! And I'm going to finish up the details of my new job next week--how much money, when to work, etc.

This weekend we are going to Mama's house and picking out the stuff we want to keep in each of our houses. Then we are going to sell the rest and Jeannie and Chad will have an empty house to rent when they buy it.

My Honey dog damaged her knee joint a couple of weeks ago and we have put her on house arrest, so to speak. Talk about a sulky dog... She stands at the door and looks out longingly until we make her lie down. It's amusing to see her pout, especially when Linda disciplines her--Linda NEVER makes her do anything.

I am so happy with the changes in my life. Thank you, Lord.

All I can say is Wow...

I turned in my resignation at work on Friday.

I am feeling a little bit (just a little) anxious at the thought of leaving the known part of my life for the unknown. I've been at the same job for 13 years..That's a long tme. My heart still desires to serve the public health, but my brain knows that won't be possible in the current administration. It is past time to get out of the sinking ship.

On the other hand, I am very excited about the opportunity I've been given. Thank you, God. I'm tired of working for nothing and being unappreciated for my efforts. I decided to leave though, because of what was best for me. Future, here I come! And...I'm gonna get me a bug convertible someday...

The Path Behind

I don't know where this journey will take me, the path curves ahead and I'm not able to see very far into the distance. I know where I've come from and I don't want to go back. I know where I am and I don't want to stay. That leaves one option open to me...move ahead. I am not bothered that where I am headed is not visible to me. I am thankful for the peace which has come in the wake of my decision. I can only remember this same peace one other time, when I finally decided to quit graduate school, save this decision was not as painfully reached!

Some would say that looking backward has no benefit, but I would disagree. Remembering the path I've traveled to arrive where I am helps me to see God. Without the pain I've felt from the situation at church, without the struggles I've had at work, without the discontent in my life I would not be willing to make this change. Oh, the mysterious ways of the Lord! I do not deserve this good thing. I never have and never will DESERVE the blessings He has given me, either materially or spiritually. But how wonderful that He doesn't dole out blessings based on our merit! And I think for the first time I am experiencing His faithfulness during a period of my life when I have questioned Him, been angry with Him and perhaps even tested Him. My relationship with Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit is just that---a relationship. I am actually encouraged that I have been (am?) in a place where my emotions toward Him have been passionately engaged at times. Even if those emotions weren't always comfortable. I am so glad I have lived long enough to have a path behind!

Dread

More and more I've started dreading going to work. I find myself getting there 15 to 20 minutes late consistently. I'm staying up too late tonight because I don't want to go to sleep and then wake up and go to work. Sigh.

I've got things to take care of at home, too. I need to call the cleaning service to come to the house this week. I need to cut the yard. I need to get a new refrigerator. I need to wash clothes. Too much to do.

I'm ready for the change to happen now. I'm ready to get it done. Transition and waiting periods are not my strong suite.

Change

I don't know what the next few months will bring but I think changes are coming. For the first time I can remember I'm thinking I need to change jobs. I even have an idea of what I could pursue. There will be changes in the ownership of my family's farm which will benefit us all. I want to make changes to my body. I am hopeful that will happen, too. I believe I will probably change churches this year if things remain the same there.

Change is coming. I feel it. And I'm glad. I'm ready for it.

Rings

Whenever I go on a trip somewhere, I usually buy a ring. I'm not sure how it started, but I have gained a collection of rings from my travels. On my first trip to Peru, I acquired a silver cross ring. I bought a silver ring with black chips on one of our trips to the VA hospital when my father was dying. I wore it on my thumb during the rest of his illness. On a trip to North Carolina, I fell for a ring made of twisted copper strands. On a trip to Tennessee I found a silver plated ring with a blue gemstone surrounded by cubic zirconium stones. On my most recent trip to Yellowstone in Montana I brought home a thin silver band decorated with triangles and circles. I'm wearing it on my left thumb now... I like to wear it because it reminds me of the power and immensity of God I saw. Because I was reminded then that the God who created those amazing mountains, who painted the sunsets in the evenings, who wrought the rivers and streams, He who brought new life---this same God is MY Lord. He is bigger than the problems I face at work. If He could handle all of creation, then He is more than capable of taking care of me.

I love that this ring has already put it's mark on me.

Broken things

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I've had a lot of things to break on me this year... Toilet innards, water line for the toilet, sewage backed up into the toilet and over flowed one weekend, hot water heater, outside freezer, airconditioning unit, dryer, truck (which had to be towed), and my refrigerator. I've spent lots of money to get those things fixed. More aggravating was the time and energy I had to use to take care of them, too. I resented that more than the money.

Even more consuming to me are the broken things at work. Lab administration--broken, still not fixed. And not fixable by me... LIMS project--broken and behind schedule. Not fixable by me either. Church--broken. Not fixable by me.

I have spent an incredible amount of energy trying to fix things in my life this past year. And the only things I've been able to change were the things that just took money to fix. The other efforts have led me to a place where I don't even want to try to make them better. Im my inner most self I am exhausted. Jaded. Suspicious of peoples motives. Gaurded. Ready to dismiss.

Where does God fit into all this? My head says He is in control and good to me. And I know without a doubt that if I died, I'd go to heaven because of Jesus. I believe that. But isn't there supposed to be more? Where is the joy in my salvation? Where is the peace that passes understanding? Where is the desire to be obedient above all things? Where are the fruits of the Spirit? Where is the living by faith? Where is the fellowship of the saints?

I don't know. I'd like to blame someone or something. I'll even go so far as to say the some of it is my responsibility. Maybe a good bit of it. My next thought is, 'What am I going to do to fix it?'

Nothing ...it's going to stay broken for awhile.

After a long absence

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Well, finally I have been able to recover the password to my blog--I'm so glad I didn't have to start another one.

It's a Friday night, I'm at home with the tv on---Linda is picking up chinese for supper and I'm settled in for the evening. Tomorrow will be a full day, working on the refrigerator, mowing the grass, washing clothes, getting my bible study ready for next week... and then it will be Sunday and I have to go to church. It's terrible when you feel like you HAVE to go to church rather than WANT to go to church. But...that's where I am now. Bleeck.

I wish I could say that work stress has lessened in the last few months I've not been able to write, but it hasn't. It is the same, worse at times, but I think I must be becoming numb to it. I need some outside interests!! I've got to give myself something to look forward to besides watching tv and reading. I've discovered an unfortunate vice--the bodice ripper novel. I used to be contemptuous of those women who read those novels... and yet, here I am. Of course, the one's I read are of a higher caliber than the ones the general populace read... Uh-huh. Actually, I go through phases. I'll read them for a week and then go months without touching them. I've decided the attraction is vicariously living the fantasy of being taken care of--cause you know those things always have a damsel in distress and the strong, handsome man comes along, decides she's the one and takes care of her problem. Sigh... Oh, to have that happen....

However, today I decided that I don't trust anyone to make decisions for me, that there are very few people who I even listen to without question. So I wouldn't make a good distressed damsel anyway... Since I'd probably end up driving him away with my resistance to being taken care of... LOL! Sigh, I guess that's why they are called fantasies.

I still think I would make a good wife, regardless... LOL! I guess it's a positive thing I think that about myself, someone should... LOL!

Well, I'm going to end this now... before I say something I'll really regret.

Illness

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I have been sick this week with a stomach bug, nausea, diarrhea, fever--nasty stuff. I stayed home from work yesterday and it was a MISERABLE day, I couldn't get warm, my insides were distinctly unhappy-- I haven't eaten hardly anything in two days. Not hungry yet, either.

I need my back sink to be fixed before the refinance loan will go through, it's something I could do myself, but I'm still weak and ill enough to not want to deal with it. I've called a plumber and I need them to come this morning and fix it. For the appraiser will have to come back out here to say that it's been done. It's aggravating. That bathroom is slated to be refurbished anyway--why would they hold up a loan for faucet replacement? Sigh.

I need to get out and get some things this morning, but the idea of getting dressed and moving around is more than I can stand.

Grief

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I'm a long way from my childhood and have been for awhile. Realistically I was probably a long way from my childhood when I was in it. Nonetheless, I am grieving a loss from what security and childhood I had. My mother is going to move into a retirement community. She is really going to do it. And in the process, the home I grew up in will be no more. I have my own house and home that I love. But Mama and Daddy's house and my Home was always there, always available when I wanted to be there. My home and family were imperfect and there are many things that were painful. But these days, when I am so conscious of my aloneness in life, I remember living with Mama and Daddy and my sisters. I remember noise and laughter. I remember cooking and working with my sisters (not always peacefully), turning the music on and singing together until we were finished. I remember long summer days spent sitting on the porch shelling peas and butterbeans, snapping string beans. Working under the shade trees shucking and silking sweet corn. Fighting over who got the wishbone at Sunday lunch. Driving the car to and from church before I had my drivers license. Watching tv together, having favorite shows we waited for every week. Taking turns sleeping in the same bed with my sisters, knowing that Jeannie would steal the covers and Linda would talk in her sleep. Standing outside in the complete darkness of a moonless night and seeing the yellow light spill from the windows of my house onto the ground. The sound of my family's voices carried on the night air through the window screens until someone would finally ask, "Where's Lisa?" Knowing that if I didn't go in, Mama would send Jeannie or Linda to find me.

I'm afraid I won't ever know those kinds of simple joys again. The joys of a family.

When Mama closes up the house I won't be able to go Home again, either. Even now tears of loss well up in my eyes and my grief is a hard lump in my throat.

On Sunday Joel and I are singing a duet and I've been thinking about the words of our song this week.

"Dear refuge of my weary soul, on Thee my sorrows roll..."

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I need a crying jag. I almost got one tonight watching the last half of a movie called "The Bridges of Madison County". I've avoided that movie for years because I objected to a story of adultery having such acclaim. It was my "rational" observation that if she had not committed adultery, she wouldn't have had to endure such pain in her life. I don't like it that her "right" decision was something that caused her such heart wrenching despair.

Regardless, my emotions vibrated to the pain of her loss and I sobbed as if it were my own heartbreak. One thing I have learned if nothing else. Pain will not kill me. As much as I resist it and hate it, I know I will live through it and get to the other side. And even though those statements are filled with "I", credit for my knowledge belongs to God and the Holy Spirit. 'Cause Lord knows I'd mess it up if it were all up to me.

Blackness

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Yesterday I was in a black mood. Angry at everyone for anything. Black, Black, Black. Hateful, even. I think the first time I smiled the whole day was during the offertory and I visualized one of the deacons in a Santa Claus suit. He would make a great Santa! Of course this was the same man who sat beside me during Sunday School making throat clearing-grunting noises that rumbled. The. Entire. Time. The same man I had to force myself to keep from turning to and saying..."Will you shut up or move somewhere else? You are driving me crazy!!" Sigh. I can only imagine the shock if I had done what I wanted to do.

Blackness. Aloneness. Hell.

That's what I felt like yesterday. Jeff asked us in SS what summed hell up---I answered him. "Aloneness." I feel all too familiar with it. I was in tears after that question. Unnoticed. If saved aloneness feels this awful--how terrible is damned aloneness? Unfathomable.

And what is my answer? Where...or better yet... How can I not feel alone? Oh, I know the right answers--read my bible, pray, get up and DO something.... Honestly, I don't think those things fix my problem of aloneness. Yes, I know God is with me, now--right now, always. It doesn't make me feel better. Yes, I know His will is good and perfect, always. It doesn't make me feel better. Yes, I know I am used by Him, that I have a purpose. It doesn't make me not feel alone when I AM alone. When I could go days without talking to anyone I don't call first. When I could go days without seeing anyone and not be missed. When I can have an emotional heartbreak and no but me knows. When I want to be around people and NO ONE is available.

And what do I do? I can't exactly demand that people be available for me. I can't go to the church and say... "Hey! I'm feeling alone and lonely. Make time for me! More than that, make me a part of your life!! Care about me!!!" Nope, can't do that. I've evaluated how I feel because it's important to me that my emotions are healthy emotions. And my wants healthy wants. If I thought that my feeling alone was from a completely dysfunctional source I would try to nip it in the bud and move on. But I don't think it is. I don't want to leach on to someone or have them make me feel better about myself. I don't want to be Alone.

Then comes the self loathing. Yuck. It must be something wrong with me. It must be a lack of mine... I'm not loveable. I'm not attractive. I'm not ... something... and worse... I never will be. This is to be my life from here on out. Worthless. Purposeless. Meaningless. Alone. Blackness.

But not hell. If that is all I have to grasp onto right now, then so be it. I don't have any answers. I don't know anything else to do other than to keep slogging on. I don't know How to not feel alone. I don't know Where I can find people who will invite me in their lives. I doubt anyone does.

So I guess I learn to live with it. And make choices that are good for me. Alone.

Friday, but it feels like Saturday!

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Its Saturday for me! Because I am off this day and free from having to go to work. And I am so thankful for this break, I have needed it. Shortly I will wake my friend Sarah and we'll go to breakfast somewhere. Then I will drive her to meet her mother and I'm looking forward to driving in my car... and a song just ran through my head as I typed that. I don't know what else I will do today. Stuff! Whatever I want to do! Nothing. Everything!

Wasted my time and money on a loser movie last night.... the positive side? Now I know it was a loser movie and I don't have to wonder if I missed out on anything. For I know it was a loser movie.

And I'm longing for something I don't have this morning. It's that nameless craving that comes upon me regularly. It's better when it's not here--this longing for something, the desire to reach out my hands for that...undescribed, unexperienced... something... Sometimes I think it is wanting the void of not having a lover and companion to be filled. Sometimes I think it's the desire to bear and nurture a child of my own body. Sometimes I think it's the lack of purpose/fulfillment in my life---why am I here exactly? Other than to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever"--what is the practical purpose for my being here? Sometimes I think it's general dissatisfaction with myself and the life I lead, for if I could choose the life for myself, it would not look like this. From my weight to the lack of a family. And always whispering in the ear of my conciousness is my own voice telling me that if I were a better, stronger person, I could be different.

I have a feeling I'm in for one of those bad periods of time when I have to deal with all of that. However, at this point, I already know that it won't last and I'll be able to see the positive things about my life and enjoy who I am again. I just wish I could stay there and the un-named and unknown longings would stay away.

But today is my Saturday and it's time to wake Sarah!! So I'll put the dealing with it off for a while longer.

Drama and other Crap

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Sigh. Well, last week was a bust. I felt like enemy number one and all because the lab folks are feeling threatened as I bring their lab online. Big, Big Stink Insued. My direct supervisor had to go and deal with the situation--before he left to go talk to Sammie and Degina he said, "Man! I got divorced so I wouldn't have to deal with women!" I laughed at him and told him then he shouldn't supervise them either.

But in all seriousness, I was very distressed over Sammie's response the to the situation because she turned on me. But Curt reminded me that they weren't really reacting to me personally, but that they were threatened and were trying to turn the heat down on themselves by turning it on me. And that God wouldn't have put me in this situation if I wasn't strong enough to handle it. But I was still distressed and then on Saturday the combination of lack of sleep, stress and my mom came together to make me more ill-tempered than I can remember being in a LONG time. So much so that I actually used the "F" word in front of my mom when I was talking to her. I have never done that before and at the time didn't care! Later on that day after I'd gotten less ill-tempered, but not yet even tempered, she irritated me and I said to her--"Why are you aggravating me? Don't you know I'm not doing well today? Didn't you hear me use the "F" word earlier this morning???" She raised her eyebrows at me. "Yes, I remember you did that--and did you notice that I didn't say anything at the time???" I had to laugh. She was all proud of herself for not taking me to task for my foul language. She followed that up by saying, "You shouldn't talk like that!" Made me laugh again and shake my head at her.

I got a response from Dean about meeting with the elders--

"Lisa;

Since you addressed your "strenuous objections" to me
personally, rather than to the session of North Park Presbyterian Church, I will provide a written Scriptural response to your concerns.

It is my purpose to bring peaceful understanding and loving and
truth communication to bear on this matter.

Hope this helps."

I think he is a coward. But I don't care one way or the other. I'll just wait and see what he has to say--if I ever get anything!

Tonight I worked until 8:30pm---too long of a day!!! But it was necessary because of this important milestone we need to get done tomorrow. I'm taking Friday off!! And I am going to be intentional in my relaxation and enjoyment of the weekend.

Mid Week

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Well, I heard from Dean today--He sent me an email saying that if I was willing, he would like to get together with me. That he believed deep theological discussions should take place face to face. I sent him an email in return, again copied to the elders, stating that I was willing to meet with him and some other (plural) elders. I haven't heard back from him since then. Although I did see one of the elders today and said in a light hearted voice, "Hey, Joe! You want to go with me to talk to Dean?" He smiled quietly and nodded. "Yeah!" I'm so glad I know I'm not stepping out on a limb.

I am being told the loan to refinance my house is going through! That makes me feel great relief. Whew. I am thankful for this turn of events.

You know, I truly believe that children are wonderful little creatures. I had to stop at Fred's this evening before I went home. Nothing fun happened today, I don't remember laughing, really laughing all day long. But while in line to check out, I'd just gotten up to the counter and put my stuff down when this little girl (probably between 6-7 years old)walked up behind me and decisively slapped a bag of chips down on the counter. I don't know why but that tickled me, so I smiled at her mother and looked down at the child as I asked her... "You giving me that to buy?" I tapped the chips as I spoke. She grabbed those chips faster than anything. "No!" Her mother laughed. I laughed. Then as I was leaving she slapped those chips back up on the counter making me giggle. I told her mom, "She's going to have a nice bag of crumbs by the time she's done!" Her mom agreed smilingly, but the little girl was like, "Uh-unh!" It was a fun interaction. Then when I opened the door to leave Freds, the door swung outward, I nearly took out a four year old boy. He was trotting down the sidewalk in line with the door as it opened. I exclaimed something like, "Oh my goodness!" His father was yelling for him to come back and I just started laughing again, cause the child was hardheaded and obeyed in his own sweet time. I looked at his dad, still a little horrified at what "could" have happened if I'd hit him with the glass door. The dad acknowledged my "what if" look by saying, "I don't even know if it would have stopped him!"

Children! And yet tonight Mama and I were talking about how we wished my sister would reconsider the idea of having children. Not that we have to worry about anything now, seeing that she's not pregnant.