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I need a crying jag. I almost got one tonight watching the last half of a movie called "The Bridges of Madison County". I've avoided that movie for years because I objected to a story of adultery having such acclaim. It was my "rational" observation that if she had not committed adultery, she wouldn't have had to endure such pain in her life. I don't like it that her "right" decision was something that caused her such heart wrenching despair.

Regardless, my emotions vibrated to the pain of her loss and I sobbed as if it were my own heartbreak. One thing I have learned if nothing else. Pain will not kill me. As much as I resist it and hate it, I know I will live through it and get to the other side. And even though those statements are filled with "I", credit for my knowledge belongs to God and the Holy Spirit. 'Cause Lord knows I'd mess it up if it were all up to me.

Blackness

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Yesterday I was in a black mood. Angry at everyone for anything. Black, Black, Black. Hateful, even. I think the first time I smiled the whole day was during the offertory and I visualized one of the deacons in a Santa Claus suit. He would make a great Santa! Of course this was the same man who sat beside me during Sunday School making throat clearing-grunting noises that rumbled. The. Entire. Time. The same man I had to force myself to keep from turning to and saying..."Will you shut up or move somewhere else? You are driving me crazy!!" Sigh. I can only imagine the shock if I had done what I wanted to do.

Blackness. Aloneness. Hell.

That's what I felt like yesterday. Jeff asked us in SS what summed hell up---I answered him. "Aloneness." I feel all too familiar with it. I was in tears after that question. Unnoticed. If saved aloneness feels this awful--how terrible is damned aloneness? Unfathomable.

And what is my answer? Where...or better yet... How can I not feel alone? Oh, I know the right answers--read my bible, pray, get up and DO something.... Honestly, I don't think those things fix my problem of aloneness. Yes, I know God is with me, now--right now, always. It doesn't make me feel better. Yes, I know His will is good and perfect, always. It doesn't make me feel better. Yes, I know I am used by Him, that I have a purpose. It doesn't make me not feel alone when I AM alone. When I could go days without talking to anyone I don't call first. When I could go days without seeing anyone and not be missed. When I can have an emotional heartbreak and no but me knows. When I want to be around people and NO ONE is available.

And what do I do? I can't exactly demand that people be available for me. I can't go to the church and say... "Hey! I'm feeling alone and lonely. Make time for me! More than that, make me a part of your life!! Care about me!!!" Nope, can't do that. I've evaluated how I feel because it's important to me that my emotions are healthy emotions. And my wants healthy wants. If I thought that my feeling alone was from a completely dysfunctional source I would try to nip it in the bud and move on. But I don't think it is. I don't want to leach on to someone or have them make me feel better about myself. I don't want to be Alone.

Then comes the self loathing. Yuck. It must be something wrong with me. It must be a lack of mine... I'm not loveable. I'm not attractive. I'm not ... something... and worse... I never will be. This is to be my life from here on out. Worthless. Purposeless. Meaningless. Alone. Blackness.

But not hell. If that is all I have to grasp onto right now, then so be it. I don't have any answers. I don't know anything else to do other than to keep slogging on. I don't know How to not feel alone. I don't know Where I can find people who will invite me in their lives. I doubt anyone does.

So I guess I learn to live with it. And make choices that are good for me. Alone.

Friday, but it feels like Saturday!

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Its Saturday for me! Because I am off this day and free from having to go to work. And I am so thankful for this break, I have needed it. Shortly I will wake my friend Sarah and we'll go to breakfast somewhere. Then I will drive her to meet her mother and I'm looking forward to driving in my car... and a song just ran through my head as I typed that. I don't know what else I will do today. Stuff! Whatever I want to do! Nothing. Everything!

Wasted my time and money on a loser movie last night.... the positive side? Now I know it was a loser movie and I don't have to wonder if I missed out on anything. For I know it was a loser movie.

And I'm longing for something I don't have this morning. It's that nameless craving that comes upon me regularly. It's better when it's not here--this longing for something, the desire to reach out my hands for that...undescribed, unexperienced... something... Sometimes I think it is wanting the void of not having a lover and companion to be filled. Sometimes I think it's the desire to bear and nurture a child of my own body. Sometimes I think it's the lack of purpose/fulfillment in my life---why am I here exactly? Other than to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever"--what is the practical purpose for my being here? Sometimes I think it's general dissatisfaction with myself and the life I lead, for if I could choose the life for myself, it would not look like this. From my weight to the lack of a family. And always whispering in the ear of my conciousness is my own voice telling me that if I were a better, stronger person, I could be different.

I have a feeling I'm in for one of those bad periods of time when I have to deal with all of that. However, at this point, I already know that it won't last and I'll be able to see the positive things about my life and enjoy who I am again. I just wish I could stay there and the un-named and unknown longings would stay away.

But today is my Saturday and it's time to wake Sarah!! So I'll put the dealing with it off for a while longer.

Drama and other Crap

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Sigh. Well, last week was a bust. I felt like enemy number one and all because the lab folks are feeling threatened as I bring their lab online. Big, Big Stink Insued. My direct supervisor had to go and deal with the situation--before he left to go talk to Sammie and Degina he said, "Man! I got divorced so I wouldn't have to deal with women!" I laughed at him and told him then he shouldn't supervise them either.

But in all seriousness, I was very distressed over Sammie's response the to the situation because she turned on me. But Curt reminded me that they weren't really reacting to me personally, but that they were threatened and were trying to turn the heat down on themselves by turning it on me. And that God wouldn't have put me in this situation if I wasn't strong enough to handle it. But I was still distressed and then on Saturday the combination of lack of sleep, stress and my mom came together to make me more ill-tempered than I can remember being in a LONG time. So much so that I actually used the "F" word in front of my mom when I was talking to her. I have never done that before and at the time didn't care! Later on that day after I'd gotten less ill-tempered, but not yet even tempered, she irritated me and I said to her--"Why are you aggravating me? Don't you know I'm not doing well today? Didn't you hear me use the "F" word earlier this morning???" She raised her eyebrows at me. "Yes, I remember you did that--and did you notice that I didn't say anything at the time???" I had to laugh. She was all proud of herself for not taking me to task for my foul language. She followed that up by saying, "You shouldn't talk like that!" Made me laugh again and shake my head at her.

I got a response from Dean about meeting with the elders--

"Lisa;

Since you addressed your "strenuous objections" to me
personally, rather than to the session of North Park Presbyterian Church, I will provide a written Scriptural response to your concerns.

It is my purpose to bring peaceful understanding and loving and
truth communication to bear on this matter.

Hope this helps."

I think he is a coward. But I don't care one way or the other. I'll just wait and see what he has to say--if I ever get anything!

Tonight I worked until 8:30pm---too long of a day!!! But it was necessary because of this important milestone we need to get done tomorrow. I'm taking Friday off!! And I am going to be intentional in my relaxation and enjoyment of the weekend.

Mid Week

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Well, I heard from Dean today--He sent me an email saying that if I was willing, he would like to get together with me. That he believed deep theological discussions should take place face to face. I sent him an email in return, again copied to the elders, stating that I was willing to meet with him and some other (plural) elders. I haven't heard back from him since then. Although I did see one of the elders today and said in a light hearted voice, "Hey, Joe! You want to go with me to talk to Dean?" He smiled quietly and nodded. "Yeah!" I'm so glad I know I'm not stepping out on a limb.

I am being told the loan to refinance my house is going through! That makes me feel great relief. Whew. I am thankful for this turn of events.

You know, I truly believe that children are wonderful little creatures. I had to stop at Fred's this evening before I went home. Nothing fun happened today, I don't remember laughing, really laughing all day long. But while in line to check out, I'd just gotten up to the counter and put my stuff down when this little girl (probably between 6-7 years old)walked up behind me and decisively slapped a bag of chips down on the counter. I don't know why but that tickled me, so I smiled at her mother and looked down at the child as I asked her... "You giving me that to buy?" I tapped the chips as I spoke. She grabbed those chips faster than anything. "No!" Her mother laughed. I laughed. Then as I was leaving she slapped those chips back up on the counter making me giggle. I told her mom, "She's going to have a nice bag of crumbs by the time she's done!" Her mom agreed smilingly, but the little girl was like, "Uh-unh!" It was a fun interaction. Then when I opened the door to leave Freds, the door swung outward, I nearly took out a four year old boy. He was trotting down the sidewalk in line with the door as it opened. I exclaimed something like, "Oh my goodness!" His father was yelling for him to come back and I just started laughing again, cause the child was hardheaded and obeyed in his own sweet time. I looked at his dad, still a little horrified at what "could" have happened if I'd hit him with the glass door. The dad acknowledged my "what if" look by saying, "I don't even know if it would have stopped him!"

Children! And yet tonight Mama and I were talking about how we wished my sister would reconsider the idea of having children. Not that we have to worry about anything now, seeing that she's not pregnant.

Boldness? Courage? Or something else?

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I sent an email to my pastor today about his sermon this past Sunday morning. I sent a copy of it to all the elders on the Session. One person I respect said that it took a lot of guts to do what I did. Funny. I did more thinking about how to say what I did than whether to say it. I've gotten a belly full, is all.

Here's what I said:

"Dean;

I have some objections to your sermon last Sunday morning that I would like to address.

1. I think you used the scripture passage inappropriately. You used Jesus' statement "...Let us go to another town to preach, for that is why I came out…" as a basis for saying that Jesus' primary reason for coming to earth was to preach the gospel. I do not see how that statement can be used as a support for your stance. It seems obvious to me that Jesus had "come out" to pray early in the morning. I think it is a stretch to use it as a basis for His coming to earth.

2. You stated that Jesus' primary purpose in life was to preach the gospel. I object to that statement strenuously! Jesus' primary purpose was to save us from our sins by living a perfect life, atoning for our sins, and rising from the dead. I know you understand this already. However, I object to you saying that His primary purpose in life was to preach the gospel for a couple of reasons:
a. It's incorrect.
b. There are people in our congregation who are young in their faith and not as able to distinguish between an act of Jesus' ministry and His purpose in coming.

3. It is my opinion you used your point to make a legalistic application—if preaching the gospel were Jesus' primary purpose in life, so should it be our primary purpose in life. I object to this application. My primary purpose in life is not to preach the gospel, rather to serve the Lord in all ways out of gratitude for my salvation.

4. I object to the speculations you made as to the content of Jesus' prayer, because I do not think they were based on the scripture passage or any other biblical account of Jesus' prayers.

5. I object to the fact that you emphasized how the leper disobeyed Christ in telling others about his healing; that he sinned in his disobedience. You ignored an opportunity to use the cleansing of the leper to illustrate the power of Christ to cleanse us from our sins."

I will be curious to see what kind of response I get. The thing is that I know I'm not the only one who felt this way. Thank goodness! At least I'm not out there on my own.

On another note, my mom is back at my house after having been at my sister's house and then back here for some doctor's appointments. I don't know when she is leaving but I know it won't be tomorrow. Makes me laugh because I'm just letting her do what she wants to do. I just can't worry about it--as long as she gives me my space at night we're doing okay. So far so good, but it's day one. No, she isn't that bad--she's gotten better able to just "be" around me instead of trying to remake me in her mold.

So I don't know if what I did today was really courage or not... it could have been just plain ole cussidness.

It's a good thing...

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It's a good thing I had a refreshing weekend. 'Cause it was sandwiched between two difficult weeks.

Recap of last week:

• Monday-an elder at church lied to me, I found him out in the lie, stewed over it all day, called him, made him admit he'd misled me and apologize for it.
• Tuesday-confrontation at work with one of the lab supervisors; more fallout from the elder/church situation; worked a 12 hour day, with no lunch or breaks.
• Wednesday-Decide getting a car is not the route to take to address my financial crisis. Find out enough people were upset over the church situation that they made some noise and "things" will be okay. Worked an 11 hour day.
• Thursday-Decide I need to refinance my house to address my financial situation
• Friday-Worked a 12 hour day.

This week's recap:

• Monday-Not so bad, fairly decent
• Tuesday-Another run in with the same lab supervisor; had to ask two lab techs (who work for the aforementioned supervisor) to leave a meeting because they were angry, frustrated, antagonistic, defensive, aggressive and uncooperative. After about an hour of trying to help them understand the purpose of the meeting I had enough. I looked at them and said, "Okay, well, I'm going to ask y'all to do me a favor and step out." They left and things went forward from there. And top that off with not feeling well physically--pain and impatience!
• Wednesday-worked a 10 hour day, came home and worked three more hours online; felt like my supervisor was losing patience with my frustration over the lack of help from the IT staff. Still not feeling well physically--in pain and no patience.
• Thursday-Did a demo for the lab folks which went well. Experienced frustration because the same supervisor described extremely poor lab technique and didn't see the need to modify her workflow. She called later on to say that she had changed her mind, but I found out that was because her supervisor made her. Worked an 11 hour day.

So, I've got one day left to this week and I'm bushed! I want to be productive tomorrow but I already know that I'm going to be pulled in a hundred different directions.

And since I got absolutely nothing out of church on Sunday, I am feeling dry and hard. It amazes me how little I have left when so much of my resources are being used up and nothing is being put back in. I am more aware of this the older I get. I end up thinking, thank goodness I don't have a family I have to give to, as well.

I haven't whistled or hummed at work in a very long time. That means I'm not at peace, I think---course it could mean that I'm in cubical land and it's just not kosher to bust out whistling when everyone can hear it.

A good day!

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Today was a good day.

• It started with a cup of coffee and a bagel on a beautiful crisp morning!
• Then on the way to Jeannie's, I got a phone call from a friend I haven't talked to in a long while and took him into the grocery store and down the road a bit. Probably not as fun for him as for me since I was more distracted, but I enjoyed it.
• I spent the day with my mother, sister, brother-in-law, Uncle Joe and Aunt Barbara (without any arguments, I might add...). We visited at Jeannie's house in her backyard, grilled out, had a nice lunch, went shopping for shoes (the women), played Rook on the picnic table, had supper, reminisced about old times, laughed and talked. It felt like times I remember when I was a little girl and we'd get together with family. I really, really enjoyed it!
• I got two new pairs of SAS shoes--both of them gifts. Because only two pairs of my current shoes don't hurt my broken foot. So now I have two new pairs. My Aunt Barbara bought me one pair and my mother the other. What nice gifts.
• Mama, Jeannie and Aunt Barbara toured Wesley Manor---a retirement community. Mama's talking about moving there. Everyone thinks it's a good idea... Me? I don't care if that's what she wants, except I can't help her pay for it. So if Jeannie and Chad don't resent the fact that Linda and I can't help financially, then great. I think it's a wonderful place and Mama would like it.
• I won several hands of Rook with Uncle Joe as my partner! Whupped Jeannie and Chad's butt, for sure! It was so much fun to play with people who know the game and will play it well. Much fun! At least one of them taught me how to cheat when I was growing up.
• The drive home was long but now I'm here and I've got my feet up, Paula Dean on the TV and Mama in the chair next to me. And she's finally run out of words for the day, so it's quiet.

What a good day!!

Dreams

I am one of those people who remember my dreams... I even remember them in color.

Last night I dreamed I was riding a jetski along a swamp canal filled with man eating alligators. Big alligators. They would rise to the surface of the water and watch me menacingly as I passed by them. I had to keep my speed up or they would come after me. And I had to keep a good eye out for them so that I wouldn't run into them, because if I hit them the jetski would overturn and I'd die.

I've had this dream before, it's not one I enjoy.

Consumed and Anxious

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I've been consumed with the prospect of buying a new car. I didn't come to the decision to buy one out of a desire to have a new car. I've come to it out of desperation. And I don't like having to make decisions like this. I'm scared and anxious. All last week I kept waking up in the night, heart pounding, my mind filled with thoughts about my financial situation. I've told my uncle and one of my elders about my decision and they have both said they think I am doing the right thing. But I'm still scared.

I realized last night that I'm scared my "plans" won't work. That I've spent all this time and energy researching my options and making it happen and that tomorrow or Tuesday, the credit union is going to tell me no, you can't buy the car. Which isn't really an option in my opinion. Sigh.. cause I know how much my back is against the wall. And I'm scared that God's will for me in this won't agree with my plans. I told him this morning that he knew I needed this, so if he didn't give it to me, then he would just have to take care of me in a different way.

What I'm also afraid of is that I don't trust God to take care of me. I give intellectual lip service to the concept that God is in control and his will is good for me. But the fact that I have been consumed and anxious this whole last week tells me I don't really believe it. If I did, surely I would have been more at peace. So, if I don't trust God to take care of me, who is there left to trust? No one. Not a single person, not even myself. As I type this I recognize that truth as being the source of my heart pounding insomnia at night and the sadness I feel. Jeff talked this morning about the experience of being filled with the Holy Spirit and how that taste of heaven would leave us longing for the full and complete experience. I guess I'm feeling my lack of trust/faith/peace that comes from the Spirit and it's painful.

Then there's work... I can't do the job in the timeframe they have given me with the resources I have. I simply can't. I worry about that, as well. At church this week I wished I could have asked people to pray for me, but I never did because I didn't want to tell them about my fears and weaknesses. I didn't want to take up their time with a prayer request for myself when there are so many people with greater needs than me. No, that's not true. I just didn't want to talk about it with people. Didn't want them to feel sorry for me.

I don't usually run away from things, but part of me would like to leave Mississippi, get a new job, a new home and start over fresh somewhere else.

Distress

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Last night I dreamed that Bewey had died and I was going to her funeral. I was so sad! I am worried about her.

Also last night a good friend of mine called and told me some of the things she has been dealing with recently in her life and marriage. I was left feeling deeply for her and her husband. Good, God fearing people... Why does God let such terrible things happen? It is so hard to understand, even though I accept it and know that He is good. My human understanding is so limited and my faith is still growing... I look at this situation and others and my immediate response is to put the responsibility for it on God. He is the one in control, isn't he? He is the one with the power and ability to make things different, isn't He? So WHY doesn't He?? It makes no sense to me on an emotional level.

If I told people in the church the way I feel, many of them would say... Well, it's because of SIN... Sin has corrupted the world and we suffer the consequences of it. Or... It'll all work out for good in the end for those who believe... Or... You don't know what God's got in store, He will probably use those people in incredible ways for His Purposes... Or... God doesn't give us more than we can stand....

...All of which may be true, but it seems to me it is also true that SUFFERING, true suffering shouldn't be answered in that way. And I get frustrated by those kinds of responses. It literally makes me want to grab those people by the shirt and shake them... and ask, "Have you ever been in so much PAIN that you just wanted it to end??? Then HOW can that be helpful RIGHT NOW??"

I hate that my dear friend is suffering that way, right now.

After the Storm

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There were so many things that happened after the hurricane hit Mississippi, so many thoughts I had, so many ways that my life was impacted... it's hard to put it in words now. Especially since it has been so long since I've been able to write about my life.

Things that happened to me:

• I was without power for nine days in Mississippi's August/September weather and at first I was miserable. But later I just got used to it, plus I had a battery operated fan--praise GOD! I really don't feel like I suffered without power, in fact, some of life was easier. I didn't worry about how my hair looked because I couldn't do anything about it. Letting it dry naturally had to do and it was okay. Plus, it was a lot easier to get ready for work! I decided that I could live without electricity. Now, hot water...that's a different story....
• I liked having my windows open all the time--it made me feel closer to my neighbors and I knew what was going on in the neighborhood.
• I saw how fragile our social infrastructure is... Gas, food and water became a precious commodities here, with people waiting in line for up to four hours just to get $20.00 worth of gas and tempers running high. I was thankful for our police force and I felt safer because they were visible at all the gas stations and at night.
• The New Orleans situation... I won't even go into that, except to say that I wish things had been handled differently, with more force from the authorities against the evil doers. But again, what a message about the fragility of our society and how spoiled Americans are.
• The day after the hurricane I was at work, because the lab is considered essential. I was one of the few who could actually get to work. Many people couldn't physically get to work because trees blocked the roadways. That whole next week was spent addressing the problems we knew we would have to deal with and the ones we were dealing with. Contaminated drinking water, infectious diseases from the contaminated drinking water, water borne illnesses, food poisoning, mosquito borne illnesses like West Nile and SLE... and more. The coast of Mississippi is a third world country and Americans don't know how to live with third world country problems....

It's been three weeks since the storm and my life is pretty much back to normal except where my work is concerned. And although I am glad for me, I haven't forgotten that thousands of lives are still completely disrupted. No home, no job... or at least no power and water.

I have been anxious ever since the beginning of September. Anxious about money, anxious about life... Very aware of what I don't have... security in things, security in people, security in money. I have been thankful for what I do have... my job, my house, my church... Not that I couldn't lose those things, but that I haven't lost them. In my weak moments I have found myself wishing I had a man to depend on, someone to share my fears with, someone to lean on. No matter how much my head understands that I wouldn't be more secure with a man in my life, my heart won't listen. Sigh.

Of Sisters and Children

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I am still tired from the week and yesterday. And even though today is Sunday, it won't be a day of rest because there's church, choir practice, and church again. Plus my mother is visiting me this weekend. Which in theory is fine, I asked her to come see me. But it adds to my tiredness.

Yesterday Jeannie and Chad came up to see me and Mama. A long time friend of Jeannie's saw me last week and I arranged for her to drop by while they were here, as a surprise. My sister and I are very different people. We look at life differently, we respond to life differently. There is often a LOT of friction between us because we are both strong-willed individuals... and because I won't put up with being treated poorly by her. Jeannie is a wonderful woman and I love her very much. She is also an obsessive-compulsive, anal-retentive person. Translation.... Control Freak. We all know and recognize this fact. Sometimes, she'll even admit to it. The last three times Jeannie and I have been around each other, we have had conflict with one another, but yesterday we didn't have a fight. Although we could have if things had gone differently.

When Paige knocked on the front door and I let her in, I came back into the living room and expected to see surprise and pleasure on Jeannie's face because her friend was there. I didn't see that... I saw anger and displeasure. I saw a fight brewing. I could hear her saying, "How dare you invite someone to come over in the middle of my visit to you! I came to see you and you bring someone here I don't care about seeing and waste my time with them!" And she was on the verge of being furious. It was written clearly on her face. Later on in the day, I confronted her about it and she agreed. She told me "Yes", she was angry because "I know how you are!" but after she recognized that it was Paige, "it was okay".

Once she did recognize Paige, it was a different story. She jumped up and gave her a big hug and they spent the next three hours catching up. The thing that gets me is that had Jeannie not liked Paige so much, I would have caught hell from her after Paige left. Because it wasn't in Jeannie's "Plan" for the day. Because if things don't go according to Jeannie's plan they are "bad"; hence I would be bad since I hadn't gotten permission to live or act outside of the "Plan". And believe me, she would have let me know that she was unhappy with me in no uncertain terms. She would have been ugly about it. But because Jeannie liked Paige, "it was okay". It rankles. I'm glad we didn't have a fight yesterday, it would have been a big one because I had no tolerance left in me after the week of dealing with the insane people at work. I wish Jeannie were different. I wish she was able to have more flexibility in dealing with life. I wish she were able to relax and enjoy things as they come. I wish she didn't make her family miserable when her agenda isn't met. It makes it very hard to enjoy her. Which is sad to me, because there is a lot of good about her to enjoy.

I did enjoy Paige's children, though. They are five and three, boy and girl. And talk about energy! Whew! They never stopped talking, never stopped moving. I sat in the corner of the room and shortly both of the kids were talking to me, sitting on me, climbing on me, tickling me, being tickled, being hugged. They were great kids! Smart, well-behaved, and obedient. Not perfect, by any means. They would start to do things I didn't want them to do and I would have to stop them. But they stopped. They loved Honey, but they made her nervous. I had to remind the little boy not to rush her or chase her. She was good when they were petting her but after I let her out, she wouldn't come back in until the kids had left. Made me laugh. Chad opened the door and tried to coax her in, but she wasn't having any of it; she wasn't about to come back in to be with the loud, small people. I enjoyed those children! I liked playing with them... I liked meeting their needs. At one point the little girl announced to me that she was thirsty. So we went to the kitchen to get her some water...where she announced that she was hungry. I was like, "You're hungry?" She nodded and told me earnestly. " I want some candy." I had to work hard not to laugh. I offered her some fruit because I didn't have any candy and she was happy with that. So I dished her up some cantelope and strawberries and told her to sit at the table. She didn't want to sit at the table. To which I replied, Well, if you want some of this fruit, you have to sit at the table. Do you want the fruit? Yes. Yes, what? Yes ma'am. So she sat at the table and ate her fruit. Two seconds later the little boy came into the kitchen, thirsty and hungry. As I was fixing his water, I told him to go look at the fruit his sister was eating to see if he wanted some of that. Sure enough, he did. So they both sat at the table eating their snack. I enjoyed doing that with them.

Later on the little girl asked Chad if she could put all my couch throw pillows on the floor to do somersaults on. She had lined them up in a row when I saw them, but I didn't want my throw pillows used like that, so I told her she had to pick them up. Oh, my! She didn't like that. She told me the floor didn't feel as good as the pillows to roll on! Yes, I know, but I don't want these pillows to be on the floor. Her little eyebrows drew down, her eyes got mad and her mouth settled into a stubborn frown. I had no problem understanding that she did not like what I was saying. I explained I had some other pillows she could use, but not these. Would she like them? No, she wanted these pillows. To which I told her, your options are to use the floor or to use the other pillows. What did she want? Other pillows. And then she was fine. I enjoyed even that interaction with the girl. Her parents have done a good job with them.

I think I would be a good mom. Oh well, guess I'll have to settle for being a good Aunt Lee Lee. It was so much fun to pass around hugs when they were leaving. Sweet, affectionate kids.

Women and Men

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Sometimes I think about the way they are... Women and Men. I like men. I mean, I like certain qualities that men possess (generally speaking). I like how they don't take it personally if you need to be straight forward with them. I like their minds, the way they think. I enjoy their humor. I like the positive qualities. I like women, too. I like how they understand my emotions. I like how they are givers. I like the positive qualities of women.

I have to say though, when it comes to being frustrated with bad qualities, women frustrate me more. I guess that makes sense, especially as I am a woman. Take the Janie thing---this woman has generated strife because of her controlling and manipulative qualities. She used her personality to stir up an unstable man. Talk about being frustrated with a woman!!! Yesterday I found out that someone at work is getting married on Saturday... to a man she's dated for three months... when she's only been divorced for six months... and it's her third marriage. That just blows my mind. It makes me say things like, "WHAT is she thinking???" and at the same time... "Why does she get to go through three men in her life??" And then there is the work friend... she has let the "boyfriend" back in her life. Big surprise.

I guess I have been thinking about the differences between men and women and I been more frustrated by women recently.

The thing is that men and women frustrate me equally given time because people are people regardless of gender. When I look at the people I enjoy the most, a few qualities stand out they all share. They are reasonable people. They (generally) don't respond to life with emotional outbursts...they are able to give and receive honesty... they choose to do the right thing even if it's hard... they laugh a lot... they accept their weaknesses and go on...they're fairly secure and self confident.

I'm so glad I have men and women like that in my life who I can enjoy. It surely makes dealing with the crazies a little easier!!

How a fool in charge can make you thankful

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There is a fool in charge of my lab. He proved it yet again this week---to the point I dug in my heels and said, "No. No! I'm not going to do that."

The "new" QA officer (Janie) has continued to feed the flames of the man who did the butt chewing meeting last week. Which, on a side note, caused two supervisors to turn in their resignations. This week he was on the war path about my database and at a QA meeting yesterday gave a verbal mandate for me to change our policy regarding a specific issue. The galling thing? The issue was Janie's personal agenda and she set the man off. So much so that he wouldn't even read my response to her recommendation. He didn't want to hear an explanation, didn't want to listen, didn't care about the bigger picture--he wanted his will to be done. Period. End of Story.

When D was telling me that we had been mandated to change our policy, I tried to reason with her, since I hadn't been at the QA meeting. She understood but had to do what he had told her to do. I finally said to her..."No! I'm not going to do it! It's a bad policy, bad for our database, bad for the data entry people, bad for the big picture... So, no!" I told her it was a decision that had to be made by upper management in the IT world and without being told to do it by the head IT man, I was not going to comply.

I ended up in the head IT man's office that afternoon, explaining the situation. Before it was over with, he had called in five other people to discuss it... one of them the BC man's boss. The BC man's boss told us not to do anything. That he would tell BC man his mandate would not take immediate effect and that he would have to explain what he wanted to do and why before the decision would be made.

My direct supervisor and the head IT man supported my refusal to follow BC man's edict. More than that, they waded into the fight for me. Took it up and protected me from having to face the ire of BC man. This is a true blessing to me on so many levels... For one thing, my job is safe and I don't have to worry about BC man trying to get me fired. This has shown me that my bosses think well of me and the job I'm doing.

But it has meant more than that for me as well. I honestly do not remember ever being protected by the men in my life. I can only think of one man who has taken up for me. I learned early on in my childhood that if anyone was going to take care of me, it was going to have to be me. Because no one else did...ever. Even when they should have.

So for these two men in a position of authority over me to not only agree with me, but for one to say... "I need to take care of this because 'BC man' is on a rampage and you're stuck in the middle." and for the other one to say to me "I will fight this battle. You don't need to deal with this man or be on the receiving end of his tirades." And then their words were carried out by their actions. This is new for me! And I am thankful!! As I've gotten older, I've recognized that men like to protect women, but I haven't experienced it for myself. The knowledge was head knowledge alone. Some women act helpless around men, some rely on their beauty to be the reason men respond to them protectively. I don't do either of these things; for this to happen because they care about me is so much better!

It makes me think about how I have not been abandoned to myself by God... and maybe this is a small taste of what that should feel like. I am not alone, I do not have to fight this battle and I can trust the one who is taking care of it to do the right thing.

The fool in charge has made me thankful for the glimpse I've been given of God's care for me.

Baggage

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Everyone has it. Sometimes I feel like I've gotten a handle on my emotional baggage. Lord knows, I've spent enough time and money analyzing the way I respond to life, whether it's healthy or not, determining how to better respond to life, etc. And sometimes I forget that, given the right set of circumstances, my emotional junk will rise up and tie me in knots. The funny thing is that by now, I recognize when it's happening and can control my responses. My actions. I am less successful controlling my emotional responses. It frustrates me.

Amazingly, I have been made aware that despite the things I don't like about myself, when I look at people who have the qualities I sometimes wish I had--by comparison I often turn out more stable, more functional, more productive, more healthy... And I wouldn't trade that for anything.

But it takes me a little bit to remember that, sometimes. Took me till after lunch today.

I am Gomer

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I feel like a whore.

Yes, I know that’s the kind of statement that make people do a double take. My heart has been hard for a long while and it’s just gotten worse over time. I got angry with God a few years ago about not having what I wanted in my life—at one point I would have said it was because I didn’t have a man in my life. But the bare and brutal truth is that I went out and found me a man…and then I got angry with God because he didn’t turn out to be the man he should have been. And that’s when I started to dismiss God and decided (even consciously at times) I didn’t care what HIS will for me was, because He didn’t give me what I wanted. More so, what I longed for with the deepest part of my being. “To hell with Him.” I thought that at times. It wasn’t the first time I’ve thought that about God. As a child, when things were awful at home, I said the same thing—directly to Him. “If you are the kind of God who will let this happen, then I want nothing to do with you.”

I didn’t dismiss Him or my faith entirely—but I have been angry with Him and unwilling to listen. Or believe His will is good … for me. I went my own way, I guess, doing what I wanted, trying to meet those deepest longings any way that I wanted. Thankfully, He didn’t let me commit any kind of sin that would have lasting, unbearable consequences. In fact most people, if they only saw the outside of my life, probably didn’t see the defiance lurking under the surface.

But it didn’t make me happy. And my life has gotten more complex and filled with challenges in these last months. Every day (it seems) junk happens and my emotions are dominated by anger, frustration, irritability, impatience, self righteousness, pride, depression, unhappiness, suspicion, mistrust… Not emotions I enjoy or WANT to be the foremost emotions in my heart. And because I wasn’t happy, I would do whatever I wanted to try and feel better. A vicious cycle.

And then I started going back to Sunday School to hear Jeff teach on Romans. What I’ve been hearing has brought me to tears so many times the last few weeks. Not a few small tears leaking out of the corner of my eyes, either. Why? Because I have not been abandoned. I am loved so much by God, He was willing to give up what was most precious to Him. Because I have not been abandoned to myself.

I was reading in Hosea this morning when I realized I felt like a whore restored to her husband.

She said, “I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.”

Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them.

Then she will say, “I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.”

She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her silver and gold which they used for Baal…. Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There will I give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth…

“In that day”, declares the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master’…. I will betroth you to me with righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord.”

I have not been abandoned to myself.

Heel Holes

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This morning as I was walking in to work there was a line of us worker bees filing in the building. A woman I’ve known for awhile was ahead of me as I crossed the sidewalk. This woman is someone who has always taken pride in her appearance. She wears good makeup, her clothes are tailored, her nails and hair are always done. She’s one of those people who wear their clothes and makeup as a part of their armor, a statement about their authority. Today she was wearing a slipper type of shoe, the kind with no back on the heel…. She was wearing black stockings with these shoes… and the stocking on her right foot had a big hole in it. I could see it when she walked… a big, round hole on the bottom of her heel! It was particularly noticeable because her skin was so white against the black stocking. I could just see her in my mind that morning opening her drawer and having one pair of black knee-hi’s left. I could see her finding the hole in the heel and deciding to wear it anyway, making sure the hole was on the bottom of her foot where no one could see it.

I wonder how many people in authority over us have holes in the heels of their stockings. How many people choose to put the holes in their stockings on the bottom of their feet?

Down again about the whole weight thing. I guess I wish I could hide that hole on the bottom of my foot.

Irritability the Sequel

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I experienced one of the worst butt chewings I've had the displeasure to be a part of today. What made it worse is that it was completely unexpected. Went to a meeting that was supposed to be a straight forward QA meeting with all the supervisors. And within two seconds after I sat down I realized I picked the wrong seat because I was at the opposite end of the table from the man doing the butt chewing. Talk about eye contact.

The thing that struck me and at least four other people I've spoken to is the fact that things he said could only have come from Janie. Janie is the new QA coordinator. The obvious conclusion is that she had gone to the man with her complaints and victim mentality and because he's someone who flies off the handle, he came into the meeting and reamed us. This kind of back stabbing is something she does and has done in the past. I'd been warning D for three weeks that she was going to him and talking about things she shouldn't.

To make it worse, after the BC, someone came and pulled D out of the meeting. When she came back she said to me, I have to go and you need to come with me. So I stood up and she told him that she was sorry but we were being called to another meeting. He got so mad he picked up his pen and said, "Well, this meeting is adjourned until next month!" and stormed out of the room. D and I left and when we got to the elevator, he was waiting there. When he saw us, he took off down the hall to go down the stairs rather than ride in the elevator with us.

When it was safe to talk, I looked at D and said, "I'm gonna kick Janie's butt!" D was so angry at Janie she just shook her head. I said, "You KNOW she is the one who told him that stuff and mislead him as to what really happened!" D nodded. She was being good by not saying much. But she didn't have to say anything because it was so obvious.

We got back to the conference room after the other meeting and three supervisors including Janie were still in there. They started talking about the way he'd been and one of them made the comment that somehow he'd gotten the impression that... yada, yada, yada. I said, "SOMEONE had to tell him that stuff for him to know. He didn't just come up with that on his own." Then one of the other supervisors said she didn't understand why he thought... yada, yada, yada... I said, "SOMEONE told him that, SOMEONE had to have led him to think that."

Janie said to me, "Are you trying to say I told him?" All I could think was 'A bit dog yelps first.' What I said was.. "Did you?" She denied it, but I believe with all my heart she lied.

A few minutes later I questioned her about a LIMS QA recommendation she'd sent to D without ever talking to me about what she'd taken issue with. Background: this particular issue is one she's had a burr under her saddle about for years. We routinely go over the same arguments every year. So, as the new QA coordinator she thinks she has more authority to make me do what she wants done. I asked her about the regulation she'd cited in her recommendation as a support that I was out of compliance; because the reg she cited did NOT support her argument. I ended up making her so angry with my questions and my refusal to admit her interpretation of the regs was correct that she slammed her book shut and stomped out of the room. My parting shot to her back as she left? "Janie, getting upset and huffy isn't helpful!"

I went back to my office and one of the supervisors who'd witnessed the interaction came in a little later. She said, "Hold out your hand!" That made me laugh. I was like, No, I won't. She deserved everything she got! Which made my friend laugh. I shook my head at her and told her to stop acting all innocent because I knew she was loving every second of seeing my interaction with Janie and was secretly cheering me on.

Interestingly enough, I think today's BC will make Janie's job harder than if she had kept her mouth shut. Because after the BC, he left the lab. She had to stay there and face the people who believe she went behind their back and slandered them to him. Talk about stupidity and consequences of one's actions.

I'm still irritable. But even though I was direct, I didn't lose control of myself today and I'm thankful for it. Especially after seeing two other people act in a manner without self-control. Lessons and training. Lessons and training. Bleeck.

Oh... and the consultant did make a comment today about my food choice at lunch... I hit him.

Irritibility

You know it's bad when you wake up irritable. Especially when you're single and there's no one around to blame it on. Just yourself and life. I'm irritable. I'm not happy. I'm frustrated with things. I don't want to go to work and deal with the junk. I don't want to be responsible for all the things I'm responsible for. I want it to be different!!

I'm tired, too. I am not getting enough time to myself during the day and so when I get home I stay up too late because I don't want to go to bed two hours after I get here. It irritates me that I can't do what I want to do!

I don't like it that this project is affecting my life the way it is. I'm a relational person and I find myself not wanting to put energy into my friends... or, if I do have time for them, I get aggravated because our conversations seem to revolve around them and their lives. Whether it's real or not, I feel like I'm getting short changed. I want them to ask me about me. I don't have the resources to really want to hear about their lives. Even if what they are telling me are good things. I don't like this about myself.

I try to find time for my friends, when I'm feeling "good", but time and again, when we start talking, I feel disconnected from them. What gets me is that I have internal responses to them telling me about the normal things in life. Things I don't have in my life because of what ever reason... no time, no money or God's will. I feel my eyebrows start to pull together, I feel my mouth tighten,I feel my heart start to shut down and I end up disconnecting from them and feeling irritable.

I have thoughts about how selfish they are to only speak about what is going on with them and not ask me how I'm doing... and that's ironic because how much more self focused could I be???

Sigh. Better suck it up and get in the shower. Because regardless of how I'm feeling, I have to go on to work and deal with it. And try not to be unfair to the people I interact with at work, today. Why is it that people like me when so much of the time I feel this way on the inside? I don't understand how they don't see it in me.

And if that durn consultant points out to me how what I'm eating isn't on my "plan" one more time I'm gonna belt him.