Irritibility

You know it's bad when you wake up irritable. Especially when you're single and there's no one around to blame it on. Just yourself and life. I'm irritable. I'm not happy. I'm frustrated with things. I don't want to go to work and deal with the junk. I don't want to be responsible for all the things I'm responsible for. I want it to be different!!

I'm tired, too. I am not getting enough time to myself during the day and so when I get home I stay up too late because I don't want to go to bed two hours after I get here. It irritates me that I can't do what I want to do!

I don't like it that this project is affecting my life the way it is. I'm a relational person and I find myself not wanting to put energy into my friends... or, if I do have time for them, I get aggravated because our conversations seem to revolve around them and their lives. Whether it's real or not, I feel like I'm getting short changed. I want them to ask me about me. I don't have the resources to really want to hear about their lives. Even if what they are telling me are good things. I don't like this about myself.

I try to find time for my friends, when I'm feeling "good", but time and again, when we start talking, I feel disconnected from them. What gets me is that I have internal responses to them telling me about the normal things in life. Things I don't have in my life because of what ever reason... no time, no money or God's will. I feel my eyebrows start to pull together, I feel my mouth tighten,I feel my heart start to shut down and I end up disconnecting from them and feeling irritable.

I have thoughts about how selfish they are to only speak about what is going on with them and not ask me how I'm doing... and that's ironic because how much more self focused could I be???

Sigh. Better suck it up and get in the shower. Because regardless of how I'm feeling, I have to go on to work and deal with it. And try not to be unfair to the people I interact with at work, today. Why is it that people like me when so much of the time I feel this way on the inside? I don't understand how they don't see it in me.

And if that durn consultant points out to me how what I'm eating isn't on my "plan" one more time I'm gonna belt him.